Yes, reading all of this

Yes, reading all of this, you might conclude that I am a mental case. I am not denying that, I am asking, what gives it away non-verbally so I can stop terrorizing random citizens? If not, I guess I have no other choice but to accept that at face value. Paranoid? Maybe. Probably, but I am the center of the Universe and its controller. I know that, how do THEY know that?

Can’t even go to the supermarket safely without turning it into a conspiracy theory. This is my narrative, therefore, I guess I’m terrifying now. Checks out. Solved. Fixed it. My mad experiments somehow all clicked at the same time and worked all at once.

I want to terrify men. Done. Wait. What? That easy? It worked.

Change variables. Okay, let’s go. A group outing, fit in and play the part. Nothing out of the ordinary happens, and if it did I wasn’t paying attention. So, me alone without my mask, not a word uttered, literally just walking, that’s the reaction I get. Explain that.

Damn, I didn’t know the mask was working that well. Oh, the disrespect I faced. We’ll avenge ourselves retroactively. I contributed? Unimportant. Hunt.

My reasoning. I thought playing the soft feminine part meant I was going to get away with stuff, not abused and hunted for sport. I was mistaken.

No other choice. Either a woman or a tyrant. Seriously? You had to escalate things THIS much? Run. I am coming. I remember things randomly and decide to tell existential jokes out of nowhere. Never let your guard down. You know yourselves. The rest of the citizens who had nothing to do with my villain origin story can relax. The others, run.

No, I will not pretend that I’m not enjoying this. I am. This is the most entertained and satisfied I have felt in a long time, and I intend to use it. Abuse it? Sure.

My earrings. I know. Gold. Also, I know that I just didn’t care enough about losing it, giving it away or simply just forgetting about it. I’m only scared when someone asks me what happened to it and I have to make up a believable excuse. Especially if that someone is my mother. Apparently, I treat gold the same way I treat a hair tie.

Don’t even ask about the diamond ones. She found one in the driveway after it apparently was run over by everybody. Oh, that, I lost it and told nobody. Things just have a habit of showing up at the exact moment my mom is there. Classic.

The contrast is what gets to me. When someone else loses something it’s a whole search party and I’ll be the one leading it. When it’s me, oh it’ll show up eventually. Must have dropped it somewhere. It’ll find me.

Statistically speaking, they do find me. Nothing worth having shall be lost. Trust the process. There it is. Someone else found it and handed it to me.

Jewelry design. That’s something I can see myself doing. Get me all the gold you have, make it a sun and hand it to me. What do you mean how much? It’s mine.

It has come to my attention that I’m terrible at not losing things. Just keep them, hide them somewhere. Who has time for that? My sister once introduced this prototype: a mini safeguard. My mother did not even let that hang in the air for a second more. The thief will just carry it and leave. You made their job easier. Oh. Makes sense. I don’t want to be a part of any of that so I’ll assume my mom knows what she’s doing.

Oh, was that my father peeking out? Ignore the thing in front of you, is that a teenager or a grown-up? We don’t know but it’s commanding us for some reason. It makes no sense but I suppose she has the authority. No one just does THAT out of nowhere, right? Wrong.

My dad’s occupation. Absolutely no idea. Army. Elaborate. I literally don’t know. Army stuff. Something very important. I never bothered investigating that because I just assumed if he was doing it, then it must be right. Zero knowledge about the chain of command and how the whole thing operates. I tried to understand it but I got confused the more I investigated. So, army. He was the army.

Officially out of the loop. Who started talking, and who started walking? I didn’t get to stay around to find out. I guess I’ll just miss it. All of the milestones.

Let me make this clear so there’s no space left for misunderstandings to arise. Here, I’m drawing a line in the sand, okay? This is me on one side, everyone else on the other side. That’s it. I won’t say I’m better because obviously I am. Just to be clear.

Sometimes something just activates from within you for some reason. Why do I know this much about everything? No idea. I approach everything with the intent to learn and I do not pretend to understand something if I don’t. Somehow, that approach works.

This behavior can be irritating sometimes, I admit. If I’m the one who’s known for figuring things out, and someone comes to me with a problem. I do not start comforting them whatsoever, I start confused, I start from zero. I don’t produce the result like an oracle. Start with a question, follow the chain of subsequent questions until you solve it and, wait a minute. They tricked me again. They knew I wouldn’t resist leaving a problem unsolved. Obviously, hand her the thing. She does not look like someone who knows how to do the thing but give it to her and it will be done. It’s terrifying. See? That would have taken us forever. Thank you. What do you mean “Next”? That’s all. Thank you. Stop following me. I don’t have any more problems for you, lady. Classic.

Yes, all of them. The young and the old. The junior and the senior. Where’s Mariam when you need her? Well, it appears my absence speaks louder than my presence.

Look at that. All of that. A man will see me and summarize it by: woman. Yes, but what is a woman? Someone to violate and exploit. Oh, next.

Maybe I didn’t have to write all of that. But if I didn’t, apparently I do not qualify as a contributing member of society. What’s her purpose? No idea. She does nothing.

Does my mom know about this? Absolutely not. How do I even begin to explain something of this caliber. I show up, I see something, I take out my phone and write it down, and continue living. Nothing is happening. It looks like nothing is happening. It raised questions I suppose because daily household situations just appeared online. No buffer between the scene and the writing process. Why is someone narrating our life publicly? A genie, a hacker, oh, Mariam.

I had to do it. I had no other option. It was the last solution that I did not want to have to resort to, and yet here we are. I had to do all of this for them to look at me and say: “Oh, she’s a person.”

This terrifying person you see right now. That was who was there all along waiting. Is this someone you would casually wrong? No. But you already did. Too late.

I will not confront you personally. I will not give you that satisfaction. What I will give is ambiguity and a live presentation of my abilities. You infer the result. Even I don’t know it.

Oh, I got a talkative one. Manic. I can tell. Why couldn’t I simply tidy up the place myself? Because I don’t even know where to start. We covered our life stories. All that’s left is the vacuuming. Resist the urge to help, why did you pay them then? Body doubling. It’s easy when someone else is doing it with you.

Where was I when this platform was a popular thing? No idea. Probably watching from the outside confused and entertained and absolutely sure of my non-belonging. Don’t interact. Watch. Observe. Interesting. Should we say something? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Somewhere along the way I decided to take over the whole thing and also the internet and also the planet and also the universe. Why didn’t I just participate like a normal person?

De-escalate. This is what happens when a scientist decides to Socialize. I turned everyone into an experiment subject. No one consented to that, but I guess no one even knew something like this was even possible. That is NOT how social media works, Einstein. Yes, I know, but what if we theorize.. no, stop, stop theorizing. Go talk to a person.

Why did everybody love me? Let me see. Obviously, I engineered it that way for maximum benefits, and then got sick because the person I was pretending to be was so far off the truth. They love HER, no one loves this. They’re scared of it, they might be intrigued or confused or interested but never love it.

I was being dramatic, of course I am lovable, that’s why. Still feels alien, but that is something we will have to deal with forever.

They love you. Yes, and? Was there another option? Of course they love me.

Oh, they love me. All of them. Time to somehow conclude that we don’t deserve it. They love me, therefore I must die. What goes on in that broken mechanical brain of mine? They love me, but I was pretending to be everything that I’m not so naturally, that must mean that they would hate who I actually am. Dramatic.

You would have drowned in this depth. Naturally I will show you the pond, and naturally you will still be reluctant to jump. Naturally.

I am aware of the effect that I have on people, painfully aware. I cannot unsee it, that would have been more merciful. Seeing it play out in real time is worse, much worse. Oh, here we go again. Another ego battle happening organically in my presence, yes, I see both of you. So impressive, oh, I was supposed to choose a winner. I will keep that game going on indefinitely. Not my problem.

Apparently, they don’t let you be the invisible head of the family anymore. They provoke you with their empty inflated egos too hard that you have to reveal ALL of your cards. Come at me now. The gender? Then why wasn’t it you? Sometimes a girl is just the head of the household secretly as to not embarrass or bruise the males’ fragile egos.

There, I let them have it, the Image. I felt bad, the humiliation of the truth being public. Why would that be another thing I have to worry about? It was convenient. Things worked. Their pride intact. The man of the house. The man that cries with my blood on his hands. No one forced you to do this. You did it. You.

I didn’t cry. I wasn’t allowed to. I strategized, as usual. A natural activity for a woman to be an expert at, for some reason. Bruised up, stay intact. Withdrawals, stay intact. Physical exhaustion, stay intact. Where was he? Crying in his room like a child as I have been informed. Ridiculous.

This is as uncomfortable to me as it is to all of you. It’s ugly, it’s embarrassing, it has to be exposed. I am done cleaning up after them. Be uncomfortable. Cry. You seem to be exceptionally good at that.

I was happy with shitty poetry and science experiments. This is way far off the original mission. Write it all down and it will be bearable. Until I was in that living room again. Summoned. Who are you to summon me, but okay, let’s see what he has to say. Nothing of value. Terrorized me for nothing.

I was not fooled by that performance. The forced optimism, followed by the most tragic backstory, then continuing with the act anyway. The show must go on. I wasn’t particularly in the mood for that much talking. What are you hiding? Oh, eldest daughter. You have to do this. You have to take care of the family. Brothers? Yes. Say no more. What did you just unfurl in my room, cleaned up my mess and gave me something to be even more angry about. Not fair.

This is so much worse than being an angel or a demon. A hero or a villain. Human. How dare you be human? That’s for us. Look pretty, appear less intelligent and keep the system running. That’s a good doll. I can do the first one NO PROBLEM. The rest, no. Just, no.

Once I see it for it is, oh this is the manipulation stuff again, free game. Free to experiment. Play along, why? No idea. I find it fascinating. You went through all of that trouble for something. There has to be something, you’re not here because you enjoy my company. You know exactly who I am. I am confused because there is no clear objective and I’m facing a persona tailored specifically to appeal to me. Except that wasn’t me, it was my persona. Get out of my office. I have no time for this head-twisting nonsense right now, we may continue the game another day. Next.

If anyone tries to take advantage of me being an orphan, I simply summon the old man and let him talk and act through me. Who knew that was an option? I will have a head-to-head with your fathers too if necessary. Why not you? Well, clearly I’m dealing with children here. Next.

This is a merciful act. At least you will never have to worry if I’m spreading gossip or exposing you out there because everything is on the record here. For everyone to see, including you. Uncertainty removed. You’re welcome.

Is that another social cue I don’t understand? They keep making up new ones on the go. Stop interacting, do nothing. Do not approach anyone who’s sending signals. Talk to me directly or stop that. I don’t understand the objective. It’s a sign. Okay, a sign of what? Do you know how many scenarios my brain can generate based on almost nothing? I don’t understand signals. I don’t understand signs. I understand action.

You can find another. Different in every way. Train them up from zero. They will never be me. Lucky you, lucky they. Out of sight, never out of mind.

You threw it away. Don’t act surprised. Was I supposed to wait forever? Go run and hide.

Looking back, what was even going through my mind letting that happen? Here’s the plan, 4 sections, two floors, one troubleshooter. I can work with that. Very plausible and natural for me to be in 4 places at once. Add a time limit and that’s an escape room level adrenaline. I pulled it off, I didn’t have to, that was psychotic, ai could have just not. I see a challenge, I see a game, I play, I win. Eventually I flip the board and run.

Don’t come here and act all familiar now. I do not know you, you never knew me. For all intents and purposes, we’ve never even met. Next.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I’m being targeted and I deserve it. I gave everybody substitution classes day after day. The absences were way too frequent and the structure weak. Very weak. I don’t like this responsibility, they resent me already, you know what? Give it to that guy, he sure needs some opposition.

Next Refill Redo What happens when I miss my mark, fail to note it down? You lose another vital piece of info.

Be at 4 places at once, repeat until the school-day is done. Now how many students are in one class? Let’s say 20. How many is that in one day? A lot. Repeat for the entirety of the exam season. Backup? No, just me. The scheduling, holding teachers’ hand until the exam room, with the army of kids behind us. There, please control your children. This one IS a child, this isn’t teacher behavior, ma’am. Me? I’m above age, I’m immortal. What do I do? Get me the strategist, use every single headcount, I will make order out of this mess whether you like it or not. Accidentally used my latent hidden army skills on a silly task, no one will know, send out another polished art of work. That’s how you get a whole school-body to do what you want.

After all of that I got a certificate. A spit in the face in my opinion. What am I supposed to do with this? I have something much more valuable. This terrifying brain-power, but I only have one body. I crashed down and out, it shouldn’t have been possible but I made it work. I can do that but not punch in at 7:30. I can do that but I can’t get out the door without asking for permission. Is this a prison? Let me try to get away anyway. Shit, the security stopped me. Ma’am, you have to get a paper saying you can leave. Okay, I will park, go in, beg for my freedom, come give you the paper then I can go. Easy. I just drove off naturally. I apologized later, to security because he was just doing his job. Not apologizing to anyone else.

I have zero military training, zero. Let me see, the boys are forced to do that. Sounds interesting, but my delicate body and my refusing to give up comfort forbids it. They’re doing something in there, and I will never know. I will apply the same thing that is being done to them to everything and everyone else around me, unknowingly. Look back, why did I waste that on them? More importantly, why was that the extent of where my abilities were supposed to be employed. Give me an arbitrary job title, a high IQ, drop me in the map. This place is a mess, doable. The school is an army now and I’m the commander. No, no follow-up questions. Any complaints and you get executed, no, too far. You get an extra substitution class on top of your schedule. I did that to a principal once. Unhinged. No one will fix this mess? Fine, let’s see what happens when the joke is on them. I got in trouble. I mean a slap on the hand. Worth it.

The girls are getting out of control (mostly me and my cousin), well drop a nepotist child into a real life hierarchy, we women get confused. I am a principal, I can solve this. Arrange a team, choose a leader in between yourselves and get back to me. We have concluded to give it to that guy right there. Why not us? Don’t worry about it. Point of failure avoided successfully. Oh, that was a promotion. No, keep it. When people can see what I’m doing that defeats the whole purpose. Now, the principal avoided having this talk with me personally. GET IN LINE. Well, I tried. Handing this task over to the guy I picked. When he has the talk with me I pretend to care, then carry on doing what I was already doing anyway. Hilarious.

Can’t a girl just control everything behind the scenes without being forced forward anymore? Outrageous.

AI will replace me, they said. Well, too bad, I made AI my bitch. Now what? No idea.

Every time I show up to work I’m met with looks. No idea what they mean. Surprised I came? No one said I shouldn’t. No one said anything. Surprised I still exist? What is it? Someone explain that to me. I show up, they act as if I’m some secret spy mission leader. It’s work. I punch in, bullshit, I punch out. What’s the bullshit? That could be literally anything. Oh, that’s why. They must be anticipating the bullshit. It’s unpredictable. Me showing up is a variable, the output is unknown.

I don’t do anything at work. Correction, my work is so efficient that on the outside it looks like nothing. Therefore they let me get away with bullshit.

Let’s unpack that. I saw her solving sudoku on the phone, outrageous. I saw her doing nothing for 5 minutes. Unacceptable, I will intervene. Okay, good boss, I did the big boss thing to do. Wait, no. No, no, no. Why is everything falling apart? Is she a witch? I did what you asked. I stopped doing nothing and started doing what you see as something.

This is how the world works, be a machine or be a bee. A butterfly or a queen bee. When a worker bee attacks the queen, what on earth did you expect was going to happen?

I want to do NOTHING. Therefore I will do everything, make everything do everything else, then go home.

I thought she was doing nothing, I let her go, she took the institution’s infrastructure with her. I have to build from scratch now, she left the maps but I can’t read them. My time here is done for, she defeated me in two moves. One academic year present with a questionable attendance rate. She couldn’t have done it? Another year, she’s not even here. I was unemployed or off to the next role, therefore it wasn’t me.

No, I didn’t do it. I stopped doing it. It stopped supporting itself. Next.

I appointed the board that will carry you forward. Indirectly, but it was me. I see a problem, I solve it. Next.

Why does everyone keep asking me if I’m going to the gym. Oh, the tote bag. No time to explain, put everything you might need in case of an apocalypse in there and carry it everywhere, then act confused when someone questions it. PSA: I really was confused, I thought it was normal.

I worked with what I had, that was the best they had. It’s not my problem that they’re not competent enough now, is it? Next.

The celebration, of course. The women’s month thing. Shit. My work mom said I have to dress up accordingly and I left that whole wardrobe in another town. Perfect. Let’s see what my sisters have or improvise. Goddamn it.

Start a movement, easy. Account for the outfit, slipped my mind.

I have a lot to wear, it simply is not here right now. Classic Rosemary.

There was nothing to fix. Why was everyone distressed because I refused to come on time? Big deal.

SHE’S HERE! Who? The CEO. Oh, okay, and? I’m here everyday, no one gave me THAT kind of treatment. Ridiculous.

She’s here. She’s coming. She’s on the way. Oh my god. Shut up about her. I have access to her employer, I am not scared of some white woman. Ridiculous.

Do you need help? No. Questions? Nope. Where’s the.. fitting room? No, the cashier. Stop following me. Done. Easy.

God forbid a woman has hobbies. Solve everything for them so they’ll leave you be with your puzzles and cubes and 3D printer. Ridiculous.

In: nothing. Out: something, anything. No time to overthink. The secret recipe is this: I will be the one wearing it.

Parking. How do we find ourselves back here? No idea. Take a picture. No time. When it’s time to find it ask everyone on the way to guide you, that’s another function for car cleaners that I discovered by circling around the basement infinitely until one stopped me and said: “What are you doing? Your parking space is here. Thank you. That’s something I do need help with.

This is how I got away with stuff. Access. Not help from the elders, although that was available. I won’t punch in and out in time if I was the one controlling that system. Easy. Next.

How to get special treatment. At this point I don’t even know. Get out the door. Do something. Try not to attract attention to yourself. Attract it anyway. Great. Next.

I am blessed and lucky to have been here when you decided to pass by the store. Don’t say that. I don’t know what that means. Come back again? Now you made sure that I will definitely not. Next.

Infuriating. Do you just pick out anything and run out the door? The trends, Mariam, the trends. Oh, no. I forgot to so my homework. I am now one of those old people. They keep changing and I do not have time to follow that nonsense. Give me something stable, give me something timeless, and let me out the door. Next.

Here’s a funny joke. They wanted to contain me and lock me up for my protection. Protection from what? Men. Who will enforce this? A man. Let me correct you: “Men” need protection from ME. Next.

Laundry. Give me something very basic and I’ll turn it into a whole operation. No one told me this was fun. All of my clothes smell immaculate. Go back home and share notes. Now there’s a whole laundry room operation back home. I had nothing to do with it. I simply enjoyed doing laundry that much. Next.

What happened to my social anxiety? Easy. I turned it into social terrorism. Next.

I can’t do anything normally, apparently. Be careful when you introduce me to things. All or nothing.

I never know what the rules are. We have guests. Oh no. What am I supposed to do? If I ask I get yelled at or ridiculed. Show up, be normal. Okay, but no one specified what normal is. I need details. Who’s coming? How many? Where? When? And most importantly, where is the fire exit? Sorry, I got ahead of myself. Be normal. Which age category? No, stop. Stop. Who do I follow? Where’s the script? Level of attractiveness appropriate for the event? Yes, even that is calculated. Ridiculous.

Break time, or as I like to call it, break duty. That’s when I can finally stop myself from working. It looks like I’m doing something. They gave out security vests, I was convinced. Colorful, let me just add something tiny, a cat brochure. Perfect. Now it’s time for action. Let me sit there and do nothing, or as they like to call it, being useful. Is everybody safe? Seriously, middle and high schoolers, what am I supposed to do? Go out the door, find your way home. The little kids I understand. No matter, that plan did not work, my reputation precedes me. Look, it’s the IT lady. Work follows me, I don’t follow it.

Here’s what happens when I walk from one building to another, it’s a big school. Go from A to B, easy, simple. Wrong. I have been stopped at least 3 times, side quests. Give me the question. Here’s the answer. I have somewhere to be. Next.

Everybody Somebody Tell me the rules so I can ignore them Next

Fresh meat Let’s go check Done with HR HR done with you Now, final boss, me

A master’s degree holder We can work with that That’s not how I do it No, wrong, try again Hopeless, she ran I didn’t do anything

Feminism 101 Get a woman Give her autism Drop her in an all boys’ school Tell her to work That worked

Old habits die hard Erase search engine prompts Erase history Erase the whole explorer Erase the operating system Too far, how will we erase the rest? Erase chats, it’s AI, yes. I’ll take it back No idea when this started Maybe, being monitored too closely Now I monitor everyone, good job

My version of being the door-opener is this: Hi Hi Why are you like that? Like what? Let’s find out Find out what? No idea What do you want? No idea Opening the door No one told me what happens after that

Doing something here Networking and such Literally and figuratively It will make sense eventually

Here comes the Rap nonsense again, this isn’t you, look at you, ridiculous. Go out and play this shit in from of someone looking like that, come back and report back to me.

Today’s check list: Work Shopping Laundry Existential crisis Old music Do not kill self Yet

I do not need another machine telling me what to do. I thought it would be faster, better, instead it stopped everything to ask me if I’m safe. Am I safe? Who cares. Do what I asked you to do. Learn to read like a human would. I don’t insert myself into the books to check on the author’s mental health. Ridiculous.

Let’s rewind. No time to unmask. Use the 5 second elevator ride. Once the door opens, it’s back to show time. Looks terrifying, the transition. Day’s over. Get in the car. Do whatever you want. They can see me? I know. That’s part of the fun.

That’s the same person? That’s the same person. One closed door away, no one can say anything once the door is closed and I’m alone. Let them see, let it scare them, drive home.

That’s why they’re scared. Why is she crying? No idea. We were convinced. Dear lord. She’ll restart the performance tomorrow. Make it stop. Make her stop. Why is she doing that?

Tell me now that nobody knew. All of that and nobody knew. It was staring them in the face. Let me go. I didn’t choose this. I’m good at it. Doesn’t make that fair. Can I quit? No, we need you. We need you in pieces or intact. Get your shit together and stop trying to leave us.

That’s why they know not to contact me after-hours. Oh, the horrors. Try her, she’ll answer, but she’ll make you wish you never called.

I know everything. I know the ones who try, and I know the ones who lie. Leave them be. A woman existing is not an invitation. Leave them alone. I know. They tell me everything. I know.

After all I’ve done to put you in that chair. That one is behaving. Oh, a father? That’s actually endearing. There, a girl’s dad. Character development. Who else?

Time to do the work. Convince her to come on time. There: a conversation. I will never repeat that. I will instead never come here again. They all tried. An older friend/coworker acting as a mother figure calling me everyday, the fear, yes she’s actually a mother. I guess she thought I could be managed with the same method she uses on her kindergarteners. It worked, for a while. Got bored.

If I wasted my brain-power on coming on time, what else am I supposed to entertain myself with? If you needed me that bad you would have sent a limousine every morning. Not worth it.

She’s quiet, and she lets him talk to her like that. What on earth is going on in the IT department. Who’s the demon, who’s the angel? Give me someone to point my finger at. They keep shifting the blame in-between them like it’s a volley ball. It can’t be her. No way. Surprise surprise. It was me. Sorry.

I made grown ass men cry for a living, who do you think you are to put a finger on me? Put some respect on that whole performance, at least. Ridiculous.

I really tried to be nice this time. It went wrong. It went so wrong that it went right. That’s who I am. An angel. I dare you to say otherwise.

Pretty sure I appeared in their nightmares too. Hacked the local network by sending too many emails. My name was associated with more work, but also, exceptional technological expertise. Pick one, you can’t, they’re both me.

There’s no one left to watch the children, no one left to guard the doors. It was easier when I couldn’t put a face to the name. An abstract concept. Come to me and ask and I will reconsider. An older teacher shouldn’t be put in this position, asking me to release her. That’s disrespectful. Tell her it’s taken care of. Don’t worry about it. The problem was unsolvable, there’s no one left. Unless, a self-insert, the boys are gonna love this.

This is a free period. Do whatever you want. Your teacher can’t come so here I am. Actually, no, we’re solving riddles now. Where’s everyone else? Math. We can do math. Who sent me? I did. Now what have they been teaching you? Very slow for high-schoolers. We’ll take it slow. Oh. There’s the bell. You have been saved.

Don’t ask why they don’t make me work. They let me in on the assumption that I was a beautiful fool. Once they saw something else through the cracks, abort mission. She’s already here. She’s still here. Let’s check again after a month. Nope, still here. Let her in on our secrets? Absolutely not. That’s a spy.

That’s not someone to even consider, let alone reconsider. Look at that, not a kind word in sight. Not a single reassurance. Drop it. Cut off its wings and drop it from the heights.

Here’s a bridge. Here’s a boat. Here’s a plane. Care to pass by now? No. Of course not.

Signal safety. A safe space. They will come. They will come back. They always do. A safe space for disrespect. A safe space for unkindness. A safe space to unload their rage. What was I thinking? Declare war.

Sign the waiver. No lawyers needed. They need to work. They need to eat. Not everyone can do this. Not everyone is a mastermind. There, are you proud of your larger than life heart now? Look what they did. Idiot.

I was not scared. The police officer was shaking. Everything is fine. Withdraw it now. They’ll never do it again. Do you promise? They already did. Idiot.

Gather them all. Anyone with a connection. He’s taking us? My car is right there. Oh, right. They key. Almost forgot, not. Sunglasses. Wonder what that’s about, I’m going in barefaced and head high. Hospital. Hurry up. Don’t let them write anything down. Hurry up. Not scared. 4 times my size probably. An investigator. That’s my cousin? I don’t know him. Come on. Yes, he was shaking too. Yes, the pressure worked. Idiot.

I can write anything down here. Pressure me into deleting this or stopping. Anyone care to try? Take my pen away. Take my keyboard away. Take my sanity away. Then go home to your wife and kids and pat yourself on the back. We did good. A superhero. Idiot.

Call your mom. Make her talk to my mom. Let the adults solve it. We have the same one? Right. Well, how the hell do we solve this? Something doesn’t add up. Where’s the perpetrator? Hiding. Checks out. Let the women handle it as usual. Idiot.

Everything. My phone. My laptop. My kindle. My iPad. You took the whole family. Devices. Not to me. Not to me. You take my children and expect me not to fight back. Defense time is over. Time for offense. Run. Idiot.

Kick them out, not me. Send them away, not me. My house, my town. Offenders. We’ll take your right to even defend yourself. Do something now. The whole world is my domain. Idiots.

Call your wife. Maybe she can help you. Send her to me and let the women handle it. We’ll share babysitting tips and dinner recipes. You’re not particularly an important topic of discussion. Except for when I remember something and decide to involve the whole world in it. Is everyone reading this? Good.

Should have let me yell back then. That hurts, my nose, my ears and my eyes. Let’s rewind. My nose, my nose, my nose. My bloody nose. I must have bled half my blood count that day. Enough to cause a scene. Why wasn’t I allowed to cry? A broken nose hurts. My ears, against the gold and earrings. I saw you smirk watching me take them off. No one wants blood on their gold. A couple days after the incident, I call my mom. Can you hide my earrings? I took them off somewhere.

It’s been more than a year. This is not an impulsive act. I took my time. You had your chance. You lost it. Earrings and blood are inseparable in my mind now.

Careless. No wonder I keep losing them. Earrings. Perform for us. You know everything looks better when you wear it. Even blood? I’ll take apologies in the form of earrings now. I can’t promise that I won’t lose them too.

I’m outsourcing my uncomfortableness because it’s too much to carry alone and I have other things I would rather be carrying so here you go. Is everyone uncomfortable enough yet? More or less. The more you are the less I am.

The file. They know. Everything you did is on the file. Interesting. Can I see? I wanna add some stuff because I don’t think they got everything.

I remember things. Details that no one should remember. Try not to creep people out but it fails every time. She’s reciting numbers from memory again. Well, it’s faster than reaching for my wallet. My bad.

Doctors. Psychiatrists. Receptionists. Did I forget someone? That’s not real. That’s not possible. Check again. Check the card. Take out your wallet. WOMAN. This would go a lot easier and faster if you just trust me and write the numbers down.

I’m tired. Playing the part. The whole thing. Let me get my bag. Let me get my card. Let me pretend to read the numbers I know by heart. Can’t I just say it and not be questioned or looked at like some kind of freak? It’s just a number. Like all numbers. It happens to be long, and I happen to remember it.

Laptop. She carries it everywhere. Suspicious. Well, every once in a while someone will need a document. I kept a file on the whole family like a psychopath. Effective. Quick. Saves time.

I don’t do that anymore, don’t worry. Documents expire, and their archivist retired.

Let’s see. A job application. In, out. Easy. A homework assignment. In, out. Easy. Give me more. A way to sign, I got it all. Let’s scan and print and there you go. You can go get your precious car now. Anyone else? Gift cards, candle labels, we have it all. Don’t be shy. Send a request. You might get lucky.

Deleting chats is one thing. Feeling scrutinized by a chatbot is another. I’ve said too much, let’s destroy the evidence. Delete the account, they know too much.

I’m a private person. I’ll let you imagine how it feels having all of this just sitting out here. You know too much. Delete the app and everyone in it.

Here’s a page. Use it as a diary. People might read. Be hinged. Oh. Release everything all at once. Is hinged even a word? Of course it is. Idiot.

Dear god, stop giving me options, more options. Yes, I see them. What am I supposed to do? Signed, Me

I don’t have time for this. Add that to the cart. This one too. Let me see, this can be useful. I want them all. Where will I keep them? Choose one. Just choose one. They keep adding more and more collections when I haven’t even gotten a chance to breathe. Indecision.

The prankster. Always been there. Found a mask in the store on your art supplies run? We might need that, for reasons. A global virus, get a body suit. Perfect. Now wear both of those and walk around the house like an among us character. Why? No idea. Bored. It’s not scary, it’s ridiculous. I ruin the prank by laughing prematurely. Ridiculous.

I don’t share toys. Especially if that toy wandered into my playground. I don’t make the rules. Mine now. Everyone else may get a turn once I finally get bored like I always do.

You need a local face to sell your department. Let me take care of that. You do the work, I get the recognition. Now, how does it feel? Terrible. I know because I’ve been there.

I’m not competing. Let me make that clear once again. I am the best. I am the prize. I do not sell myself as the prize, I simply am. Next.

Why is there a Chungus/ The Rock 3D model in your office? Ah, that kid. Of course he would. How is he? Good. I hope. Out of my hands now. School counselor, interesting, so you counsel schoolers. I guess. Whatever that means. Not very well. The incident happened after that. The Incident. Hilarious. The guy moved on. Married the music teacher. Interesting. Things like that happen in the most hopeless of places, I suppose.

The drama room. Why do we have it? Use it. Theater. Here’s a drama teacher. Let me see. Interesting. How is he doing that? Controlling and transferring the kids like an army commander. They’re so quiet, and orderly. I could never do that. He’s also oddly quiet. Weird. Explain. I thought drama was supposed to be, whimsical. Creepy. He didn’t last long, that one. The good ones never do.

Go, run for your lives, FLY. Oh. I have no teachers left to work with. It’s time for me to leave too. Bye.

You’re teaching a lot. Take a break. You never say no. Argue with me. Tell me you can’t cover. Why are you so upbeat all the time? I know you can handle it. I know you love doing it. But, seriously? Look around. This isn’t the place for you. There you go. Took you long enough to realize that. Of course, they won’t say something. They’re benefiting off of our silence. I’ll come after you. Go.

Shut up about being an eldest daughter. Can’t you see we’re suffering too? No, I see that. I’m just trying to imagine how much worse it would have been if I wasn’t there. But, sure. Let’s make this a suffering contest.

I’m not loud. I’m not intimidating. I do not yell. Sometimes I freeze and things keep happening way long after the point where I should have said something. The point is: being a woman has its limitations. Being a woman, sorry, a tall child with stunted growth that occurred because someone wasn’t paying enough attention. If you were wondering if I remember, I do. Every single one of them, I remember, and I’m tired of playing innocent and forgiving. You ruined my life, let me repay you.

I fantasized about it. “Murder”. Give me a break. An ice knife, it will melt. No weapon. It’s water. Are you okay? No. We need to plan, think and never execute. I should have done it then. They wouldn’t lock up a teenager with zero proof. I didn’t do it. No one died. Except me before that incident, and me years later by the same perpetrator. Do not forgive.

Don’t park here. They’ll know. Know what? We need to go in one car, naturally we’ll park the others. Everyone will know. I don’t understand. Why was she so paranoid? Yes, people will know that your car is parked in front of your friend’s house. Big deal. Are you being stalked? Monitoring. It’s just a car. Just a car plate. I doubt the whole town recognizes your car. Some people do. My car? Oh, you know who. She’s back in town. Play the violins.

I thought I would be Wonder Woman, Batman. Anything but this, Homelander with a wig and a Laptop.

For what it was worth, the team was formidable, the Girls. When I caused trouble everybody did the intervening, by trouble I mean tried to quit. Why on earth is my uncle calling, the judge too. Who’s sending them? Oh, mother. I know, I understand, I get it. I’ll give it another go. Apparently I can’t quit my job without the town mafia’s approval and a court’s order. They mean well, I know. Let’s try again. Take her stuff and keep her under surveillance. Perfect, we’ll see what she’ll do now. 24/7 surveillance. Put me in an office with other people, that’s what it feels like. No, I’m not flattered by the upgrade. I was happy in my lonely cubicle, now where would I cry? That’s where everything started to crack.

They did that then migrated too, you didn’t believe your own words so why should I? I’m important here. The school needs me. The family needs me. The town needs me. Who’s taking care of me? I do. Give my mother a call, I dare you. He’s still trying? I said no. Not having anybody else. You or no one. I pick no one. Let him die lonely. Ridiculous. Actually, hand him over. Let’s play. We move in your family’s house. My morning drive is now longer, and the brainpower behind this decision is questionable. Have you read any books lately, or ever? Mom. I said no the first time. Shallow? He can’t type. What’s the objective here, an illiterate army? But he wants you. Big deal. Get in line. I got the final letter after I left him for dead. You didn’t write this. Your mom did.

You don’t have much time. Take him, take the man and take the money. You’re running out of time. Look at the train go. Let me see that. I would rather be run over by it than have him. That’s all you got? The best of the best. My only option. I had better, I rejected better. I will make the rejection official now, more personal, wave the keychain in his face long enough then, did I actually say yes? No, I didn’t. Technically, I did not say yes and I did not say no. Wander into my narrative or try to force yourself into it, fair game. Checkmate.

My boss might call. I have an excuse ready. I am organizing the event. It’s a woman’s world and you’re lucky to be living in it. I got the shoes, I got the outfit ready. Good enough, no time to retrieve the gold, make do with what we have. What’s the event? Women’s month. I’m organizing it. I am a woman. I am the event. Give me some time to finish up the final project. Me. That’s more important than any password-changing tasks you have for me today.

I am a nightmare. I realize it retroactively. Be firm, be resolute. Make them pronounce your name right. It’s long. No time for this. Actually, let me see. Let me go back to being passive. Said it wrong. Big deal, it’s just a name. Don’t say anything. Don’t say it. Don’t. Actually, the vowels are wrong. Break it down in real time. Mar. Yam. What a nightmare. Let it go. Let it be. Can you let them live? It’s just a name. I know. My name. That’s how I say it. I apologize for my rudeness. I can’t help it. My name.

The office boy. Tea boy. Whatever you guys call him. The guy with the tray and polite greetings. That one. He saw me yesterday. This is not a normal greeting, this is a special one. What’s up? Oh, my arm. The news spread around already. My arm is fine. Thanks for asking. I wonder who else knows.

I underestimated my popularity. I underestimated my actual work efficacy. I do work. It’s not that. It’s just that compared to my previous nightmare of a job, sitting around without being micromanaged raises more alarms than if I was slaving away like the rest of them. I do work. I finish it fast. I run out the door. I come back with my arm in a cast. I thought I was unimportant, but only because my whole contribution is this: mouse click, keyboard tapping. No, I didn’t ask for one. I bought my own. Paranoid? You’d be surprised what they can find out with a single device. A wireless keyboard. Promise? Can’t risk it.

I’m not paranoid out of thin air. I find out things I have no business knowing just by strolling around and connecting dots. If an IT guy tells you something is fishy, don’t dismiss him. I know the network inside and out. You guys are careless. Protect yourselves. Protect your data. Go back to physical copies if needed. Up here the war is going on. Don’t make things harder for me. Important data. Unclonable data. The cloud will do the rest.

Coworkers. Made any friends? No. When will you be normal and have normal age bracket appropriate connections? She’s a lot older. Yes, I know. We clicked. Sue me. Anyway, I’m around her daughters’ age, what’s there to understand? When you know, you know. And I know this, you would LOVE my aunt. Connect those two and see what happens. Told you so. Birds of a feather.

Go interact with the rest of the class. People your age, woman. No, stop. Why are you heading towards the elderly home. They know things. I will go investigate. What else? Hospitals. Check. Another one. Orphanage. They know. Another one. A school. They do know. I know too, but I’m not supposed to know. I’m standing in the middle, and I can hear both sounds, beginnings and endings. Where do I go? A battle cry. That’s what those newborns were doing. The end is a sigh. I wasn’t there to witness it. I was in my room asleep like some sleeping beauty prototype. I know it was early. I know I had no obligations. If I was awake, I could have prevented it, or at least witnessed it. Maybe then I wouldn’t go through all the trouble trying to force him awake. Am I afraid of dead bodies? I guess not. That had to happen for me to find out. My grandmother’s nurse. Grieving. Kicked out the room, why? Another religion. How could you be so cruel? Let her be. *