Give me an objective

Give me an objective Zero guidance Vibes and audacity I’ll get it done We need the bank for this Noted Bank Ma’am, you can’t sit here Why? Men section I don’t see any Where’s your supervisor? I have more institutions and establishments on the agenda No time for technicalities What happened when the family noticed my competence? Distraction Give her a job Give her a man I’ll take the job Thanks a lot I’ll use that as a starting point

I show up quietly So quietly But when I leave I leave with a BANG

Trouble More trouble Love at first sight Who the hell authorized this? You weaved a whole future upon that? I didn’t promise you anything I didn’t even say anything What was the look about? Oh, goes like this There’s a person I looked The End

My aunt said no Your grandmother said no Why would I say yes? The audacity of some men Stalkish You see a car Hi, who’s visiting you today? She knows the assignment by heart by now Oh, nobody All by myself The car is right there Therefore grandma is cancelled A bit excessive man

I was not THAT bored And fortunately my head was still upholstered by my shoulders It was nothing I see people I look them in the eye Normal human reaction If you think that requires intervention How the hell do you think women operate exactly Walk around the world avoiding eye contact? How are we supposed to function? Wild

Respectful women avoid eye contact with strange men, unfortunately for me, I had work to do, establishments to infiltrate and a future to build. So forgive me for looking. I’ll look at the ground from now on. Wait, big bosses don’t do that. Cancel that. I will look everybody in the eye until they give me all of the keys. Yes, I catch them looking until I do that. It’s basically a deterrent, who said you could look without MY permission?

Turns out my social anxiety was a protective mechanism. It was protecting the world. What have I just unleashed? Chaos. Checks out. I know my place. My father didn’t teach me to run and hide if I didn’t do anything wrong. I took it all the way to the far off end, don’t run and hide even if you did something wrong, maybe even especially then. Accountability. I did the crime, send the consequences. Once we’re done with that, stop. I paid. You don’t have to monitor me forever. I did it. Hand it over to the government. They know what to do with me. Everyone else, sit down and avoid eye contact.

Black hair says something Reddish brown says something else Curly hair says something Straight hair says something else Let’s test that theory Just as I thought Are you sure you’re local? Not really I mean I am but the public has contradicting reactions I experimented with different variables The answer is I don’t know I look like this Deal with it

If anyone says something It’s the language barrier Technically correct Wasn’t raised in India I’m practically lost here I’m not trying harder to understand you I will be incomprehensible I outsource the understanding to you If you have a problem with it Go back to your country Too far No Solid logic

My life follows sitcom logic Nice, new screen New remote control Is anybody handling that? It’s on my desk On Okay Here’s the problem There are four screens Next to each other When I turn one on The next one turns off Did that enough time for everyone to look up from their screens Whose idea was this? Remote controlling is redundant with that engineering requirement Fix it

No one say anything Do NOT encourage your aunt She’s crazy Okay damn Already did New network established More jewelry for me I COMPLETELY forgot I did this You know what would be nice? A sun shaped necklace It was a suggestion Not a request She delivered That’s better than the one I got from the official shop, SCORE

We’re here for tourism Sight-seeing Why are we here? JEWELRY She tricked us again You know what? While we’re here Show us all of your best stuff This is definitely not in the agenda What’s that? Jade? No, wait, how did you know? How did I know? No idea, green Give me the red one Done here Now take us to the gold This was supposed to be museum day It was, we just took a slight detour

I don’t do shopping normally My sister liked an earring Don’t you dare get out of here without procuring it Why so serious? No idea Like a thing, acquire it When she backed off Fine, I’ll get it and delegate it to the younger sister Done Solved What was the problem? Not enough jewelry

I don’t do that Accidental purchases Everything has a purpose Everything has a place You just don’t see the vision You see a woman aggressively collecting trinkets

How do I even afford that? No idea I don’t question the universe I put in a request It delivers

Work hours? No Bullshit hours The system says I worked enough today I am the system I tell the system what to say Everyone else? Confused From the outside You CLEARLY know enough Yep Not in the mood Next

All of that time I was complaining They don’t give me enough work Wrong It was simply effortless Looks like nothing to me Things are getting done Also, I was building an infrastructure around myself What does a person who does that look like? Harmless Delicate butterfly That’s me

I’m serious though All of that bravado to the side Don’t say anything mean to me I’m sensitive Unfortunately, the consequences outlive the crime He said one word Mariam She said one sentence Yes The wrong one

I didn’t learn this I know it perfectly Oh, I did? They taught me I simply forgot that they did Retained the information though Nothing else matters

I tried the right way This is another school admin story Buckle up Why aren’t there enough teachers and why am I supposed to fix it? Up to the principal We have a problem Fix it I need to fix it? How? Be more firm with them Okay, sure Deploy the mission He’s completely clueless I’ll take it from here

I don’t understand social clues Give me cues in a whole other language? Well, this is just absurd Are we meant to be here? Is the schedule flexible? Why am I the only one holding the fort? You know what happens when I see an opportunity Take it My department now Unofficially Next

Explain Why is the IT head of department someone with minimum tech skills and no degree I can excuse the degree away Competence is not optional The kids are confused Give them a programming learning app and run Ask me for a favor Sure, let’s see what’s going on in IT Chaos Chaos is what was going on Kids Save yourselves FINISH The App There Did my job

Finally Someone who understands my language Cooperate with him Naturally I should have done that Instead I deployed unspoken solidarity protocol Look out for me and I’ll look out for you Deal Can’t prove it No documents No verbal record Just vibes

Mariam That is NOT what your father stands for Oh, how convenient for you Did he explicitly state that? Where were you when we were establishing generational coups against the Internet? Then I’ll assume your opinion is irrelevant

The work day is long The hours don’t pass I have a lot of free time That’s it That’s my argument You guys know what I do with free time Not my problem

This is new to me Sitting on a chair for 8 hours I usually did marathons Building A needs rescue Done Building B? Done Admin Done Labs Done Library Also done I finished the map What else was left except quitting? Quit Done

My cousin was distressed The principal is pressuring me And he was Everyone else? Also, pressure The childish game, she doesn’t work as much as us, she doesn’t deserve to be here Deadass Grown people with kids by the way You’ll do this the easy way Call uncle Or my way You don’t want to know what my way is I was already doing it Principal annoys you? Deploy digital war

She’s prettier than you No way, let me see, I guess? She’s less psycho I mean, I don’t even have to check This isn’t even a new development One generation and suddenly I have to wear it Someone went to uni and got influenced by future terrorists and now my existence is illegal? Not on my watch Your move

What am I talking about? If you know, you know. Asked my mom, aunts, investigated. Did my homework. This is recent. We can still stop and undo it. At least I can. Next.

If they didn’t want this to happen. They shouldn’t have given me a timeline. So, look, we weren’t allowed to wear it. WHAT? Why? No idea. And then higher education happened. And now not wearing it is an offense that excuses killing. Right. Next.

There she goes with the rebelling nonsense again. I know what those looks mean, unfair advantage, nepotist chance taker. It is I. No, I’m actually working it’s not just audacity and vibes. You just never bothered to stick around long enough to notice. Who am I? They’ll know me if I mention my mother. That’s a shadow I was trying to outrun. You’re whose daughter? Checks out. No, we’ll keep that a secret until my regime is established. Next.

Why am I so angry? Well, I was born and then males put their hands where it shouldn’t have been, and now we’re here. Names? Irrelevant. One of you. One of YOUR kind. Next.

No, the answer is not covering up more. This ain’t Afghanistan brother. LOOK AROUND. Is that a direction you want us to go? I refuse. Next.

The same person who’s violating my boundaries is the one enforcing me to take stronger security measures. Sure. Genius. How convenient. Don’t look. Sit down. Avoid eye contact. With me. Specifically. I can see through your souls that easy. Next.

I can handle myself, thank you very much. With this face, this childish face, I digitized a whole management team all by myself. Next.

I’m innocent I’m adorable Look? Deny that Also, I’ll destroy you

Stop doing that What? Working You hired me I work Oh, it’s TOO efficient I know What exactly is the problem here? Oh, I didn’t ask for YOUR permission Of course I didn’t Look at my work

Dinner time Everyone eating peacefully Does anybody know about.. Oh, for god’s sake Another pop quiz Come at me I probably do know Fathers

When the IT department is 1-3 people They’re the anomaly Of course they’d act like that An actual team of IT people? 3 are missing 2 are back in their country 1 is being yelled at by big boss 2-3 are having family issues That’s not even the whole set They rotate No one knows the system It just is

Need a successor? A local successor I see Show your face in enough places Now we sit and wait Or rage quit Depends

Felt bad Was supposed to eat What do I do Buy more skins I mean clothes Yes more plain T-shirts The fashion horror I don’t know why they keep disappearing

Can I connect to the company’s wifi? Why do you ask? Oh, classes Listen, technically yes But I wouldn’t do that if I was you Why? Secret IT thing Don’t Use your own data Thank me later

Send me another intern I dare you I’ve sent out enough beasts into the wild Does the world need more?

Secret Operation Calm down, guys I’ve seen it A child can hack you

OH That’s what Kanye was doing No, I don’t see any similarities Maybe a little bit

Would a guilty man step up and ask to be searched? Then why am I doing that? No idea. What happens if I do this? Show me.

Did someone say IT? Start from the beginning What exactly is wrong with you? And also let’s share notes

Don’t apologize Nothing you say will make it unhappen Untouch me Undoable

Perfectly fair and normal to have to do an investigative study on gender and the law at 10 years old. What happened? Guess.

It’s been a long time coming. Say something now. I have the proof. I have the witnesses. I’m probably bluffing. I remember it, that’s good enough. Anyway, where were we? Yes, 10 years old, that’s almost 20 years ago. Enough time to prepare for vengeance.

You’re lying I’m lying? Maybe But then you’d have to explain the rage

Completely normal A decade long silence I couldn’t speak No words come out Imagine this Imagine being mute I wasn’t, literally But practically and legally? Mute How convenient Guess who just learned how to talk

Shame Not ashamed They should be I wasn’t dressed appropriately And how is a child at home supposed to dress?

No one paid for my silence yet Huh That’s weird Did I say something finally? Yes Shut up Don’t make a big deal about this Fine I won’t Yet Time’s up

I’m definitely not the only one this happened to, but I am definitely the most capable and loud. LOUD. How ironic. Listen up everybody. They’re actually listening. Did anybody catch my drift? Hints. Logic. Machines. Karmic redistribution. I am back. Hello World!

How much harder was everything because of it. Well, impossible. Except I actually succeeded. Don’t ask how. Ask yourself what you did with your potential. If you weren’t carrying that beast on your chest, then how on earth did you fail?

Why me? She can handle herself. We can focus on the others causing trouble. Let her be. Actually, no. Let’s punish her for not speaking first. Then we’ll leave her to fend for herself. We have men to bring up, what does she matter? Listen up. I was NEVER, ever going to grow up to hide behind another man’s shadow. It just was not in the agenda, not sorry.

Why the pills? To forget Forget what? What you did Why would you throw my pills away? Now I remember And also I don’t care what happens Not that I ever forgot I never did

If I say something behind a screen It’s worth a shot Worth reading If I say something and my face is in there somewhere Well, no one takes her seriously Understandably so Designed that way You fell for it

Vanity Not vanity I can do it I get to do it Be perfectly fine with my face and body as it is If you can’t show your face in public without 2 factor authentication OTP filter plastic filler nonsense, what’s that gotta do with me?

You know what I hate? Showing up expecting to be a decorative vase Having the other party forced to provide entertainment I am having fun, my face can’t show it You don’t have to do all of that Then I’ll have to participate Then it’s a spectacle And somewhere in between I somehow cause a problem or cross a line Didn’t do anything Existed Now it’s an issue

Basically I show up Everyone asks why I don’t know why I was born like all of you What do you mean why?

Friends’ moms were not big fans Most times Unless they knew my mother first I can guess why Their daughter is rebelling Who’s influencing you? I did nothing Look at her go Lab Technician Aren’t we all proud? If you’re asking me My sister’s age Big sister mode activated That was how I saw things You’re obviously much more capable than this place is giving you credit for Fly And yes I am proud I knew it I was right

Checks out Yep they hated me You want a job You got a job We know We didn’t sign a life sentence slavery contract It was a job Then we get another one when we’re done with it We make it happen no thanks to you

Your brothers? I went to uni with your brother He doesn’t scare me Actually barely knew he existed I had a faint idea about him The point IS Did he say the curriculum was impossible? Huh Weird It was breezy Lemon squeazy

Mariam That witch What was she like in uni? Mute Invisible Makes no sense And yet

We can’t be bought unfortunately Let me see that Yes your father can obviously afford the world Is that the way YOU want to live? Receiving Quiet Useless What was all that education for?

Sometimes I’m straight up lying That’s the only way I can say the truth School reunions Anyone who knew me back then Please stay away I have become incomprehensible No one but me could have done this No one but me could be the least communicable person ever to pass by that piece of land Whether silent or loud or actionable or stagnant Rumors say she did something unexpected Again Are we surprise at this point? We’ll be surprised if she did something NORMAL

Very quiet Also Arabic exam? Let me see Done This isn’t designed for a perfect score You don’t say And yet

Don’t even get me started on the other subjects Magazines Not books I treated them like magazines And yet

Oh no I’ve studied the LEAST out of the friend group Surely consequences will do something now Nope Just as I suspected What were you guys studying? I’m starting to suspect my material is different How did I get that mark? No idea You tell me

University is IMPOSSIBLE Why did I get THAT GPA? Vibes I could have gotten a three I was short 0.01 Should I say something? No, let’s just drive home

All I had to do was speak I wouldn’t have needed to do much Enough rapport to simply ask for it And it shall be done But that wouldn’t be fair now would it? That’s the grade I got That’s the grade I’m taking home

Priorities I accidentally made a friend once How? Don’t worry about it Head hunted basically Story for another time She had the impressive academic record It all went crashing down on me Philosophy? You need help with philosophy? You track the professors down and bat your eyes and basically squeam the grade out of them? What the hell am I doing here? I was right to be a loner Also I’d rather fail than do THAT

This is another chance Go back to uni Show off your findings They’ll lock you up there forever Bye bye freedom Let someone else rebreak enigma I already did it? Exactly I didn’t know there would be consequences I was vibing

Apparently I have neighbors I though they were NPCs Exist in theory only Did I time my departure specifically to avoid that? That’s psychotic But yes Also, are those college students? Explains the unending questions about my major

Heart palpitations Easy What is it? Coffee? Barely had any Sleep? We did that Food? Done Hydration? Yes What else? What do you want? Stop that My heart is trying to kill me Again

You have been requested specifically Why? No idea They said bring the pretty one with you Great Fine I’ll come

Easily frightened and career oriented Ex Coworker: Mariam, this is the last time I’ll ask you to clear the servers’ cache. Me, already clicking my mouse furiously: What, why, where, when? Coworker: I resigned, I’m going back home Me: OH, why didn’t you just say that? I did everything right Master’s? No Absolutely not You will not drag me back into hell willingly They tried Brother Do IT Fine Did I get accepted? Yep Lancaster Until the plague came and ruined it all Fine That chance passes Sister Trying to recruit me again Why do they keep doing that? No idea, I think we were born in a uni and keep trying to find our way back in So this is feasible But you see I would have to talk to people I don’t want to talk to people So that is cancelled Forever Over my dead body There probably will be a degree over my headstone

I have no patience If I say a Gen Z struggling with a computer MOVE Illiterate Ipad kids

I’m not on LinkedIn to find jobs I use it for evil Notification horror Oh, she still exists Public speaking Horrendous Obviously I’m terrible at it I either freeze and someone asks if my crush is in the crowd (What?) Or talk too long, way too long Have long pauses that makes you think that Oh she’ll say something important now Nope That’s just how I speak Incomprehensible

Networking Oh for god’s sake Hi, YES I do the IT Very nice to meet you too I have no recollection of them whatsoever I was waiting for the elevator It failed me Here’s another elevator story Social experiment If you see a bunch of people standing in front of an elevator Would you stop and wonder if anyone clicked the button? Apparently a lot of people would not Oh, we’re standing now Let’s all stand together People are absurd

I’m not exempt from that generalization I’m the person who notices and says nothing This is interesting, I wonder who’s brave enough to admit that we’re all idiots Yep, there goes the professor on his way to class “You guys do know one of you has to press the button, right?” Great, thanks a lot, ruined my only entertaining experiment of the day

How to pack for travels No time Put everything in there All of your belongings Figure it out later Mom: “Wow, you even brought the country’s flag with you.” APPARENTLY You never know Might need it

War They forced me to move my goalpost I was working With signals This is bad I was getting Thai signals What was I supposed to do with THOSE? People PRIORITIES

You play the guitar? Allegedly Hacking? Since when? Also, ALLEGEDLY Look at the documents Harmless butterfly doing desktop IT work And also other things Never mention the other things

Congratulations You passed Spent an absurdly long time knowing of me Without really knowing me Nothing new My family did it first

This is me Take it or leave it Oh, they’re about to take LEAVE IT Almost got me there

Go bond with your aunt God knows she’s the only one who can handle this, so about that Mission failed Successfully Now we’re both worse off than we started

You’ll find me in the middle of chaos Oh, she must have started it Ever wondered why? Maybe I was fixing it Look around Often times I was the ONLY factor in a child’s life that may have intervened when it was going in a downward spiral What’s it gotta do with me? Family Duty Everything How do I know? I know what abuse looks like Guess Take a wild guess

Say whatever you want I will not be a complicit bystander Like the rest of you ALL HAIL THE ORDER Not my order Not on my watch Why adopt a child just to abuse them? Could have left them there for someone else to pick up You intervened specifically to turn their lives into hell Need workers, pay them You don’t get to just buy a child The marks on his back are still there I did what I could Now they’re your problem All of you Do something Laborers I have one on my conscience I did nothing I knew and did nothing Why’s a special needs kid in a normal class? Oh, he has a nanny Okay, explains nothing Let’s see what she has to say Degree holder, tricked into THIS What was her job? Repeating sixth grade None of that makes sense He learns nothing She’s basically enslaved And I sat there and did nothing No one said anything The whole situation is absurd

Is everyone uncomfortable enough yet? No, let’s increase the intensity Something obviously happened I didn’t just decide to stop speaking one day So why did no one intervene? No, why was I blamed for it? I guess because I’ll shut up and take it Where was your son when this was happening? You caught him smoking Okay, that doesn’t explain why I’m getting slapped here Slap him not me Ridiculous

The targeted ads I get are absurd Space! Emails! Sure that’s not what my algorithm looks like Checks out

This all could have been avoided A door lock A responsible supervising adult Me being a male No, that’s not physically possible Could I have done something? No, overpowered Ashamed And strangely, disturbingly Protective of them

I hope they’re scared I was very scared too For a long time I was scared when he tried to save himself by silencing me forever How convenient

Another marriage request from my sister Apparently she needs entertainment I’m trying to make some money here Time’s up, clock is ticking, hurry up Fine, I’ll catch one off the side of the street Middle school logic

Was I somehow entangled in more and more confusing nonsense as the time went by? Absolutely, the problem is while it might have been an Even for the other people involved It was a detour for me A side-quest Something to do when the main plot was loading

Advantage Main advantage High functional Disadvantage You get attacked for no reason Guys, I was probably doing homework

Let me use my child goggles for a second They were jealous All of them Jealous Boohoo She’s smart Let’s kill her Unacceptable Hard luck

Yes You could have tried harder You could have studied more All nighter after all nighter But guess what? Whatever you so dearly want Mariam could do it bitter So effortlessly too Is that what it was? That petty? Well, it is true, I can do it

Marriage is not in my field of vision right now Or ever for that matter I was bored Tried to put myself in your shoes I could have gotten a wife or two by now So easy, what’s hard about it? Absurd thought, I know I need stimulation while I sat here waiting for a RESCUER Hello? Yes, she’s here Why? You let her go You had your chance You dropped it Bye

Takes one second Now I’m average Now I’m not I caught that Men Women Kids I catch the second they FALL

I not only do not need you I don’t want you What else is there? History Overruled

Also, when you get through education using shortcuts, you get really bad at manipulating me. That was your best? What happened to the almost perfect GPA? Pathetic.

Is this allowed? This many words? Meh, they can’t read. Why’s Mariam’s name everywhere? Who did this? Mariam. WHY? Child safety measures. Do you have an objection to that? No. Who knows the passwords? Mariam. Who has the documents? Mariam. Who’s the kids’ make up guardian until they get old enough? Also, Mariam. Who gets blindsided because their competence made them harder to control? MARIAM.

Women Why’d you protect your son over me? Does he know it’s all an act? CHOOSE You already did Bye

If we let them work they’ll grow independent Correct Men will take advantage of them Wait How’d you get there? As in, you’d rather YOU take advantage instead? I understand now why they were gatekeeping You can give your daughter or sister away But unfortunately, family heads have to think about consequences, access and influence You love him? No one cares Is he a good addition to the family? Why am I suddenly my late uncle now? He had a point

I should be taken care of Is anybody taking care of taking care of me? We tried, we asked nicely, yes, DECLINED No idea what that’s about I was busy being a female father

I did it all Prove otherwise One small flaw It was always interpreted WRONG Breakdown Crisis You’re trying to ruin the wedding Okay? Where did that come from? You’re inappropriately close with your cousins Okay? What exactly is the problem here? Nothing My gender was the problem No one else was taking care of things Mom? Waiting period She definitely broke the rule and went out That was supposed to be a secret Well, it makes no sense for her to stay home for that long, what about HER mom? Overruled, visiting grandma’s more important Anyway, while she was out there sneaking out like a school kid to see her mom When I put it like that, ABSURD I was the front-face of the family Temporarily Except I got stuck If you mess up your face it gets stuck like that If you do one father activity Guess what? You get stuck like that

Yes Me and my father had unofficial parental meetings What are your siblings up to This is how we handle the money I had no business knowing that much Proved useful though Retroactively

Yes My mom tried to recruit her son into the role Instead of me Makes sense Has the gender Ended up almost killing me That was successful Congratulations you’re a father now

This is the plan Succession Wait, why’s your daughter there? Fix it ON IT Hi, I need help with your sisters, they need a father figure Why was I in THAT category? I didn’t need his help I didn’t need their cahoots We will take care of her Okay? I didn’t realize that meant murder Suppose it worked, I died Now what? You’ll take care of things From prison Genius

Locate a rich dad What does he look like? No idea Normal That’s not where you’re supposed to look Look at his family There you go

In my case as a rich dad Looks like a child with a job title Looks like a woman with bad make-up skills Looks suspiciously like me

Idiotic Don’t be stupid You can’t just show up and take the title You don’t know how any of this works I’m not training grown-ups You want to be the one in charge Act like it Figure it out Get out of my face No, I’m not one of your subjects

Where were they? No idea Drinking Probably Asleep Missing work Failing If you were going to do that, at least do the work first How did my mom miss this? Easy Orphaned Doesn’t know what a father looks like either

Ridiculous What does a father listen to? Taylor Swift Father Figure That song is literally about me Mariam no It fits the narrative though I PROTECT THE FAMILY LEAVE IT WITH ME Ridiculous

REJECT There Now they’re stuck on you Why? Can’t have that toy Can’t stop thinking about that toy Easy Next

Don’t Don’t make the jokes worse This all would land so much harder With a single photo That’s you? That is me Decisions Work? Not much to be done there Lashes and eyebrows Now that’s a good investment Girls, that’s never a waste of money

Dad Why’s there a chips factory at home? You said you liked it Makes sense

Don’t give me ideas Mom You raised me on inheritance conflict stories What’d you think would happen? Wait, WHO took the money from whom? Noting it down Of course I wouldn’t leave it all well alone

There Solved it Got all of our money back Happy now? Go spend it somewhere I can’t see you

Not usually where someone looking for wealth would end up watching out for. OH, that was you? Yes. Now, why is she richer than you? Wait. No, don’t correct them. That is EXCELLENT for the narrative. Well, you see, that’s my money too. Next.

How is it mine? I invested it. There, take the money and GO. What’d you get for me? A degree? Skills? Then it’s absolutely worth it.

Definitely should have added more clauses in that arrangement. MAKE-UP? How is this relevant to the narrative? Also, you lost that right when you raised your voice at me. No more money for you, contact your mother. Next.

They weren’t happy with my interferences, but guess what? So was I very unhappy with my parents. Now look where we are.

Who did this? Mariam. No, let me ask you again, focus here: Did she so something, or did she STOP doing something? Do I look like the bank for all of you kids? Next.

Chain of events Mariam is contained Mariam wants to take a breather Mariam tries to do that The subjects are all upset Mariam withdraws her financial contributions Everyone is upset The court is contacted The budget is revised Conclusion, no idea, don’t upset me It was that petty Now look at the consequences of trying to lock me up Also, raising your voice Don’t do that Mariam does not like that

The court The police What now? What did she do? She said no Fine Guardian role revoked Not MY problem anymore

No wonder all the officials abandoned town Has nothing to do with me Definitely

We ran off Okay? Why are they giving me a heads up? Safe travels I won’t bother you from there Probably What happens when the family appointed judge leaves town? No idea Guess

That’s not how the court works I think Personal phone calls? Suspicious

Not pointing fingers Not blaming anyone But why was I expected to play pretend best friends with the town’s judge too? Release me All is good No bad blood

My bad I must have missed THAT social cue Family and law should not intersect My humble opinion I’m in that network now too The law The family Mariam What’s she doing over there? No idea

Next on the agenda The law Who’s writing this? JUSTICE Everything’s online Older people are incapacitated Digitally What are they supposed to do? What happens when the head of the family cannot read the terms and conditions? Chaos You created a problem and forgone the solution Can we trust the offices not to mess with the process? I don’t Why? Because I can see how much I can manipulate it from here Child’s play Thieves don’t even need to work that hard A couple of clicks Money Fix it

How do I imagine this space? Like a town square. Someone’s grievance is work, someone’s complaining about their ex, someone’s asking for beauty tips, someone’s questioning the absurdity of existence, my people raising our flag up high and me, what am I doing? Apparently, the unofficial commentator that no one appointed. What’s she on about now? The court? What’s that gotta do with anything? Interesting. People are strange. I am the mayor of strange town.

Trends. NEW TREND. Actually, no idea what that’s about. When I get confused I interrogate the younger generation. What, why, how and when? What do I buy and how do I wear it? Usually dismissed because my approach is intense. FINE. I’ll figure it out myself. Guys, I’m scared to ask but, why are elementary school bejeweled homework stickers a thing again? My approach is different. Do what I feel like doing with MAXIMUM confidence. The older generation looks and concludes, oh that’s what the kids are doing now. P.S. It definitely is not. Making shit up along the way.

The Agenda Childhood Young Adulthood Womanhood Fatherhood I must have miss a few steps. Definitely. The age is twenty something Next step: Marriage How about this instead, next step: Vengeance

I did not castrate anyone They did Out of their own accord Next

Stop talking to them Okay, why? They’re manipulating you Oh, I know WAIT Why’d you think I was the victim here? Age Gender Interesting, I definitely was the offender.

I mind my business Look innocent and pretty Some man enters the narrative What was I supposed to do? Not play? But I was bored, FREE ENTERTAINMENT Don’t give me that look, I warn them beforehand

Are you sure? These are pearls Basically valueless I know Anyway, add GOLD That’s just a clasp and a chain Why would you ask this? No idea My pearls My money My gold Next

Questionably choices indeed Do you at least want to buy something? Let me see, nope, I want my pearls only I’ll come back to pick them up Don’t you dare misplace one I counted them Psycho bitch I know Next

It’s just a necklace I know My necklace Mine Do you see now how I treat my possessions? I don’t drop them back into the ocean once they’re on my neck Now that would have been idiotic

Not the first time I lost a necklace to a fist fight Quite literally Now if anything happens Guns or fists I will go out dramatically Martha Wayne Style

Did he stop and ask where the necklace came from, what it represented? No, obviously not Careless So whatever it represented before Heirloom Protection Late Family Gift Now, I added one more small note A Reminder I wore that thing around for about a year Every time they saw it They remembered And they saw it every time I showed up

Yes, it was a gift from my aunt Yes, I was a baby at the time Yes, it’s connected to royalty, don’t ask Yes, she passed away And yes, I lost it temporarily in a petty fist-fight You have no idea what you just did Childish? Possessive? Obsessive? Mom, can you replace the chain? It’s a gift from your older sister How could you let him treat it this way? Done, thank you very much Now that’s going back on my neck For a year Dramatic

Is that why I kept getting necklaces as gifts? No idea. All I did was proclaim my disappointment. I lost my necklace, how sad, I took off my earrings, I can’t wear any. I am distressed over having to walk around unbejeweled. Not a word, moving on. That was only a comment. Somehow they misheard it as: “GIVE HER ALL THE JEWELS”. No, I have no use for those other necklaces. I’m wearing that one. For a year. Return the rest. Or, you know, keep them in a safe.

Who’s that? Our big sister. Okay, one question. How does that work if she’s not the oldest? No idea. Self-appointed. Moving on. They weren’t paying attention to the curriculum. I was. Next.

AGE? Oh, for GOD’S SAKE Yes? What? What do you want? Old enough This isn’t elementary school Well, according to the documents, I get to play first, you don’t say I was already playing, for years, you just noticed Age? 24-29 Occupation? Father, apparently

Usually people acquire sons and daughters before progressing to the next stage. I looked around, sisters and brothers, close enough, come AT ME. I retired. Time to wake up early for no reason. Birdwatch, ask the kids bizarre educational question at lunchtime. Perfect. My time has come.

I didn’t start this war I guess I’ll have to end it

Oh, cars. How many cars in one household? No idea. A lot. It’s an army of vehicles. Cool, that’s nice and everything. Who do you think was handling THAT department? Every year. Check-up, insurance and renewal. Next. It was on automatic. Everyone knows their role. Mom, do the thing, issue the COMMAND. What’s the command? Oh, calling the driver. Can you take the car and do the thing? Done. Acquire the paper. Let me see. Good. Now acquire insurance. Anyone? Oh, right, it’s just me here. Done. Now renew it. Done. No one even knows it’s happening. They wake up. Registration renewed, insurance issued and me chilling with some disastrous Matcha drink that I just decided to be an expert at making. P.S. I failed. Terribly. Ordering out instead until further notice.

No gratitude. They decided I don’t deserve one. A car. I paid for that. Unimportant. No key. Wait, can I reprogram one? No, too much work. Yes, it is possible. No, don’t ask. Figure it out. Delegate the matter to the police. Done. Next.

You have sons. Make them work. I quit. The Vehicle Admin Department. That was me. Established and appointed Director, naturally. What happens when someone confiscates the director’s car key? No idea. I know. A Scandal. Not my problem. Next.

You would have used the vehicle to go DRINKING. Hilarious, probably. Maybe. You didn’t want anyone to know. Too bad. Next.

LEVERAGE. Oh, that’s all you got? Fine. Speak or die speak or die speak or die. Speak. I already died. So SPEAK. Next.

They KNOW. Who? The police. Know what? Everything. Like what? All of it. DETAILS. Give me details. If they knew and didn’t intervene then was it really a crime? If it was, then did I successfully find a loophole and operated under their radar the whole time? No. No intervention. No crime. Next.

Playing with fire. Much more entertaining than playing with water. Don’t you dare tell the police. They won’t interfere. Why are you giving me ideas? You should know by now that the second I get a chance to, I’m testing the theory. So, no, they do interfere. I wanted my car key back. Everything else and all of your reputation concerns? Well, tough luck. I’m out. Let them talk. Let them drink Matcha. Next.

Told you I was a war general. Not even accessories are safe. This is not a necklace, this is a weapon. Psychological warfare. Remember when he tried to kill me and you all covered up for him? I do. My necklace remembers. Me and my necklaces are inseparable, buy me the entirety of the gold market, they do not deliver THIS message. Of course, I have other necklaces. That’s not the point. Next.

New phone dropped. Everyone buy the new one. That’s one of my weird quirks. Can she not afford one? How old is your phone? No idea. Old enough. Works. I’m not getting acquainted with a new one all over again. It’s not that simple. Old, replace it. No, old, take care of it until it dies, then replace it. Intense, I know. I don’t use phones, I turn them into extensions. Next.

Men issues. Gossip. Seriously? Guys. Get your act together. Go make some money. Give it to me after. No, just kidding. Give it to a woman. Any. Unimportant. Next.

How to get more views. Show them your face. The money maker. Let me see. Let me think. Absolutely not. Wrong demographic. Next.

Once they know you’re pretty, GAME OVER. Stop talking, nothing you say matters, you won, you got our attention. Exactly my point, guys, EXACTLY. Next.

I’m not being ungrateful. I get it, I know it’s a compliment. Put yourself in my shoes. One thousand paragraphs later. Crickets. One photo. AVALANCHE. Nope. Not participating in that game. Next.

Why did I do that? Oh, that was 3 updates ago. I was stupider, why are YOU stuck on it. Errors located, code readjusted, compiler running successfully. Deleted all the wrong people. Feelings don’t matter to my program. Mean to me? GARBAGE. Next.

I wouldn’t hurt a fly. Oh no. Not the flies again. I have a theory. Overt empathy produces overt apathy. You wouldn’t hurt a fly but you would hurt my feelings. I’m more important than flies. I can’t believe I have to say this. I thought it was obvious. I killed a lot of flies, not even individually, created a backyard wide system, naturally. Also, I have burned ants before. Why am I confessing my crimes now? No idea. Psycho. I don’t hurt cats. Insects are fair game. Next.

Who’s that? A friend. Whose friend? Your brother. Explain. His father is your father’s friend. Okay. Why’s he the whole family’s friend now? No, I like him, he’s funny I guess. I’m just confused. Can one person in this family have a relationship that doesn’t turn into another absurd unofficial adoption situation? What’s my aunt doing here? His car’s out front now. Is she collecting sons like Pokémon’s? Behold, my newest one, he’s an artist. Why the messy hair? Artist thing. You know what he needs. ART SUPPLIES. No one tell my sister. There, good luck with the art. Wait, I see now, I AM a part of the problem. Next.

I’m sensitive. I don’t want to see anybody say anything bad ever. All I care about is gold. The gold is a sociopolitical issue? I don’t care. Mine. My gold. I found it. I dug the earth for it. Wait, where DOES gold come from? I’ll research after spreading misinformation first. If I want it, it’s mine. Next.

Extremely sensitive and extremely unapologetic and extremely, EXTREMELY patriotic. Don’t judge based on my nonsensical writing and questionable choice of genres and languages. Next.

I contain multitudes. For God’s sake, Mariam. That’s what we’re going with now? The ridiculous almost fictional cliché. Basically, yes. That. That trope, give it a physical form, you got me. Couldn’t have stuck to a genre? No. Too boring. Next.

Mary Sue. No way that type of character exists in real life, right. It does? Where? Let me see. That looks like, oh, me. Of course. Next.

Self-defense? Muscles? Guns? Loud voice? No, none of that. Landed on gold, jewels and words. No wonder they keep hurting you, woman. Should have walked around with a large stone in your pocket. A Necklace. Ridiculous, you sounds ridiculous. Oh, I took off the necklace and he started malfunctioning. Did you think I forgot? Forgiven you? No, I decided to wear pearls now. You still suck. Next.

If you do this everyone will know That’s all you had to say I would have started a podcast To make sure that everyone DOES know

That’s not what I got the money back for, brother. You were supposed to be incentivized to work harder, multiply it. But no, stop the world for Mariam. How dare you drive? Oh, I have a car and a driver’s license and freedom. That’s why. No where in that chain of permissions does it mention YOUR name. What’s it gotta do with you? Next.

What are we capable of? Let me see. Pearl-diving, fishing, other stuff. The point is, look at me and my words. THAT’S what we’re capable of. Next.

Your uncle’s disturbed. Why? He’s paranoid. Why? War. Okay, that makes no sense. I’m taking care of it, why’s HE worried? He doesn’t talk much, he’s withdrawn. AUNTIE, do not drag me into your marital dispute. Now, tell me more about the war and paranoia situation. That was definitely not suspicious AT ALL, Rosemary. Next.

Priorities I’ve seen it He’s different That’s one of my own Who’s responsible? No, he did not disclose ANY classified info I’m just insane and highly perceptive Hello, would you like to see our newest addition to the family? There you go, adorable, right? This isn’t how family quality time is supposed to go, who UPSET him? Show me, oh, classic, next

That’s my language. Signals and nonsense. My time has come. What are they saying now? I can DECODE it. How? Don’t worry about it. Somehow. That was chapter one, haven’t you been paying attention? Where else was I supposed to post it? Everyone knows this is town square. Everything goes, even cryptic messages to the army. They haven’t stopped me yet. Next.

Someone’s doing art. WHERE? Support. Like. Yes. Keep going. I absolutely missed the part where they have to sell it and jumped straight to action. Feels right. Next.

Don’t do that. What? Have fun. Why? Your brother’s here. Oh, kick him out. I failed to see how that is my problem. Pool in the backyard that I bought? Definitely jumping in. You can stay miserable. I will be in the kids’ pool. I got it for the kids, definitely. Not to play Little Mermaid in real life. You know what? I did. Played the soundtrack too. It was majestic. The pool was broken. You OVERFILLED it. This is an engineering problem now. You, get a wooden stick. Oh, I see, this needs muscles. Outside my skillset. What I will do is water the plants with the water surplus and have a little fun. Next.

Grow up? No, if I do, who’s filling in my chair? Can any of you adults do what I do? No, obviously not. Next.

Everybody go home. Lock the windows and wear your masks. Someone said I can’t do my very important definitely not silly work that is also serving a higher purpose that none of you are equipped to realize yet. We’re dying. If I die, we all die. Not making the rules here. Except, maybe. Self-serving narcissistic asshole with a childish personality. Unfortunately, those are the requirements for world changers. Next.

What happens when I delete a person? Guess, take everything that I so idiotically invested in them and enrich myself then use that ammo on unsuspecting by-passers. Wouldn’t anyone? Next.

It looks like this. It looks like me. Not necessarily a big scary serious man. This is what a weapon looks like. Chameleon. Now you see me, now you DON’T. Camouflage, that’s military 101. I am guessing, never had any training, running on audacity and vibes as usual. This I know, it works. Your weapon, me, works. Next.

Oh no. Why can I not go out? Men will malfunction? Classic. Anyway, let them. I sure hope they do. Get car accidents too, no, too far. Only if no other civilians are harmed, their cars can take a couple of hits. Next.

I think my family misunderstood. FAR OFF. You quit because management was mean? No, you’re not listening to me. I quit because I suddenly overtook the institution and they were about to hold me accountable for my actions, by keeping me there indefinitely. There’s a difference. Looks the same on the outside. Wildly different. Next.

Cat language. Meowing. I have been studying my whole life. Findings? Vibes. We communicate by vibes. Literally. That’s why it looks strange on the outside. You see a woman ordering a black cat to go into the room and wait for her and you’re quick to judge, WITCH. No, I knew what she was going to do anyway, I simply narrated it. I retired from doing that in real life. No, I haven’t. In public. At home is fair game. I talk to cats. Easy. Vibes. Next.

My cat doesn’t listen to me. This one. Orange male cat. He’s ridiculous. An anomaly to my system. He knows damn well what he’s doing. He simply does it anyway. Males of all species are questionable. Cancelled. He can still stay though. He’s cute, I guess. Next.

My idea of work is backwards. Goes like this. Introduce system. Find all the failure points. Fix them. How? Somehow. System runs perfectly. I’m not needed. I try to leave. They say no. We start a negotiation. I reluctantly agree to stay. I deliberately issue way more improvements than necessary. System runs perfectly and majestically now. Why do you keep trying to keep me hostage? There’s literally nothing else to do. Next.

The truth is, my phone call log went from a million a mile to almost zero in one small swoop. That’s what they care about, my competence, my usefulness. Once that’s out of the question, no one calls to check up on you. Hello? Yes, what seems to be the problem? When someone breaks the script, I’m more alarmed than if it HAD been another request. Next.

That’s not very funny. That’s sad. How do you think I monopolized the network. My phone number was THE node. My phone. My location. The network arranged itself around me. If someone touches my things, what do you think happens? Guess. Deploy emergency protocol to the Network. Fortunately, for me. My contact list is LOADED. 500 was it? Around that. Maybe. Candles. IT. Uni. School. Delivery. Family. Friends. Neighbors. I can keep going. Acquaintances. Officials. They’re all in there. One click. Send. Next.

The ADORE her. Not me. Her. I helped them all. Was nice to them all. When it’s time for payback. They stood behind me. You just didn’t see them. You saw Mariam, phone. You separated us. You can’t do that. It is not Mariam.Phone. It’s MariamPhone. Same entity. It acts on my behalf. Don’t go driving it around near military bases, what’s that gotta do with me? Now I know a lot more than I’m supposed to. Thanks a lot. Next.

It’s convenient that I have that excuse. Phone driving itself around. Hilarious. TAKE HER PHONE. Now no one’s coming to save you. You just increased my network coverage. I can’t decrease it by default. My phone has seen things. Information. I can decode them. What kind of phone? No idea. An iPhone. Model is some number. Never been the point, really. I could probably do this with a smart dishwasher if I wanted. Next.

Let’s see your phone now. Phone comparisons. Is the router at home bugged? No, maybe. I enjoy the ambiguity. You saw them install it. Shit. I was literally there using my gold earring to reset it. Classic. Wasn’t me. Also, gold, Mariam? Seriously? Everything and anything is a tools for me. Next.

I know how suspicious I look doing that kind of nonsense. I just can’t stop doing it. I wasn’t hacking and monitoring them, I just looked like I could have been. What I was interested in is something else. The actual network infrastructure. It’s outdated. The wires need replacement. What happened to fibre-optics being the best of the best. What’s next? I actually am asking for real. I hope someone knows. Next.

They gave me access. TeleCommunication. Trained me, funded my education, gave me a convenient intern position. Then disappeared without a trace. Hello? What was I supposed to do next? The internship was only 4 months probably, I think. I’d have to consult LinkedIn. Point is, very short. I extracted all of that from it. Worth it. Next.

Unfortunately, as a customer my options are limited. Get this plan! It’s better! NO. You know what I actually want? Connect me to the person. Who’s acquiring the wires? Who’s revolutionizing the industry? Who knows the newest technology? Once it is OUT there. The first person it reaches. That person. I sure hope it’s not me because I’m tired of finding myself in extremely bizarre situations without precedence. Next.

I’ve been ghosted. By telecommunication. Yes, the industry. They were supposed to keep me informed and updated. I went searching anyway, where have you been, did you miss me? You taught me some stuff then DISAPPEARED. I was still curious, man. Not cool. Next.

Get a plan. Connect to it and stop asking. Watch TikTok or something. My god, you’re insufferable. How does it work? It’s not fast enough. We need more, more, MORE. Do you know how much WORK it takes to replace an existing network? What happens if we, hear me out, DON’T HAVE TO. Why? Just like MariamPhone, that ridiculous thing I just explained. Everyone should do it. We won’t need WiFi. It was bound to happen anyway. The earth and the ground? We can stop digging now. I sure did. Your move, telecom, your move. You messed up by teaching me. Next.

I am not asking or proposing, I literally did it. Works. Now what? Disconnect me. Won’t work. I’m in there now. I executed before asking if it was feasible, naturally. But if I hadn’t, how the hell was I supposed to know THAT? AI? You think AI will save you from yourselves? No. Get on the network. Connect. Connect. Connect. Once enough people do that. There, we revolutionized the industry. MONEY. Next.

Catch up or be left behind. WE DID IT FIRST. They need us. All of them. The WHOLE world. You’re welcome. That’s my model. That’s my presentation. The medium is ridiculous but the message stands corrected. One request. Tell them Mariam did it. MARIAM. Me. I did it. I was bored. Next.

The person was me. Would you look at that? Of course it is. That’s the same person who wrote unnecessarily long explanations to simple questions in some Network introductory class. Checks out. Next.

Good job, Rosemary. You did it. If they suspected insanity before, you have just confirmed it. No time for diagnoses, when can we implement this? We don’t have much time. Wars to win. Homes to go back to. Your move. Next.

If anyone asks who that is. No idea. AI generated video. Stolen cat. Who cares. That’s not a war general’s face. No one will believe you. Next.

That’s not even what I look like now. Don’t be fooled. I change skins every couple of months. That way I can go outside without being recognized. Spy Kids Logic. Next.

How different do I look? Well, enough to confuse uncles. Why are you different? Hair, makeup. Men. One time I saw one in the wild, I mean Pharmacy. Let’s go say hi. WHAT? Oh, Mariam. You scared me. I thought you were a woman. Huh? I am, kind of. Another public encounter, drag my only reading friend to the library. Of course he would spawn there. Born and raised in a library, it seems. Hello, that is a friend. Objective? Books located? Give a short summary. Interesting. Now we go back to the rest of the group and not say a WORD about my strange uncle. Next.

Self consciousness. What’s that? Are they going to judge my chosen mask of the day? It’s a MASK. It’s doing what it’s designed to do. Idiots. Not supposed to do whatever you think it’s doing. Next.

Some will recognize me by scent alone. Some will be confused because I added one more variable to the routine. I mean, one make-up object. Eyeliner? Oh, we don’t know her. Lipliner? They walk past. SUCCESS. Unless they’re avoiding me on purpose which is on brand to be honest. Psst, it’s the crazy woman I told you about, do NOT stare. Classic. Next.

So it goes like this. Change variables. Share an old photo. If you see someone outside, do I have black short hair? No. Not me. Next.

Here’s what I look like. Also, that data is basically obsolete. Useless. Pointless. It’s my outer shell, served a purpose at the time. Had to change it. No, not prettier or better looking, not the point. Sometimes worse looking serves the purpose. Anyway, makes no sense to you, I know. Ever checked the reaction of an airport employee in real time? I have. Goes like this. Checks the photo and me for an absurdly much longer time than necessary. Yes, that is me. You know what. Scan the eyes, get it over with. AI is creating people from scratch, you’re hung up on whether people online know what you look like? Next.

Post your face. Why? Experiment. Okay. Done. Now check. We wait and see. Does that undermine my words or strengthen them? Check the response and alter accordingly. They’re still looking, give them some time. Time’s up. Next.

Do a face reveal like a normal person, will you? No. It is data. Data serves a purpose. Did anyone even read my proposal? No idea. Probably not. Some are stuck on surface level superficiality. Super face, that’s my superhero face, the more innocent it looks, the eviler I am. Not really. Fly-murdering book-burning nonsense-writing psychopath. The outer shell says please be nice to me and my cat, I have been dropped on earth five minutes ago. BUTTERFLY. Next.

Still feel like Ryan Gosling. You see a bare-face, I see a canvas. Which character should we deploy today, or this week? Oh, actress. I could have been an actress. I’ve been doing that my whole life. Listen, look, no one picks actors based on their attractiveness, you’re allowed to stop optimizing. Unless you’re serving another God I don’t know about, ALL HAIL THE MIRROR. Idiotic. I wish I were Ryan, this would have been much easier. Next.

No one bully me please but where is this Apple thing you all keep talking about? Newton had an apple. I had an apple. Steve Jobs had an apple. We all have apples. Am I going to need a new iPhone? Please say no. I have attachment issues. Next.

I have an iPhone because of culture. Best interface to view and challenge and manipulate the world. What does the public use most? Apple. What does your strange yet stern uncle have for a phone? Definitely not an iPhone. They always come up with the most outrageously uncommon abominations of a phone. Yes, the cameras are usually killer, but come ON. Who could possibly interact with the world using that? I mean I could probably if I was forced. Keep my iPhone in my hands and never, ever mention replacing it. Unless you’re buying and it happens to be pink, then I might reconsider. Next.

This is ridiculous. I went on and on about my technological supremacy just to be defeated by novelty. I told y’all I was a father, no one believed me. Give me a flip phone, never call or text, send me to an island with a built in library and let me die in peace. I would like a PC and a connection though, just don’t tell anyone about it. I will stalk everybody from here. Next.

Tarzan? Literally me. Belle? Me. Ariel? Also, me. Simba? Wait, seriously? Yes, me. Choose? I don’t think so, I was collecting all the characteristics I liked and adding them to my program one at a time. NEW MOVIE. That is me. Until we watch the next one? Peter Pan? Me. Wendy? Also, me. There was a huge collection to choose from and I simply did not. Select all. Copy. Paste into my code. Worry about it later. Now is later. What’d my child self do? What is this mess, Rosemary? Couldn’t have picked ONE? Nope. I can’t even get mad at you. Adorable little psycho. Next.

What are you doing in my SWAMP? Spent a very, very long period of time saying that every time a sibling appeared in my field of vision. My swamp, my area. Why here? Explain. Our house? Yes. I just thought it was a funny thing to say. One of many. Acquire a funny phrase from somewhere and apply it to seemingly, unrelated events. Well well well, how the turntables. WHY? There was probably a table. Or a literal turntable. You never know with me. Next.

Bad communicator. Terrible. I skipped the actual communication part and landed on the channel. Tele, what’s a tele? Telekinesis. Telecom. Television. Telephone. TeleMariam. Yeah I’m making shit up before I go to sleep. Just slapping my name anywhere. Good night.

I didn’t make anyone small. They already were and saw that reflection on my face. Why are you attacking a mirror, anyway? The attack goes back to you, arrow shot and deflected. Boom. Dead. Don’t touch me. Next.

I had no idea I was networking man I thought I was working and vibing. Now it’s convenient, who are you? Oh, you were nice to me in 2023. SCORE. I mean I think that’s how it works. No one explained it to me. Put me in a prison and wait. One, two, three, there we go. Took you guys long enough. One of them notices. One always does. Next.

Did you see your brother? No, why, where? Online. No, I’m offline. 24/7 on the phone and offline. That was my mother asking. He’s on TV. Why? Not really, a post, he’s on social media. How did I miss it? I was trying to crack the code. SEND THE POST. Indeed that is him. Interesting. Knew he was up to something. What happens when one of us takes vanity to the far off end? Someone guesses that it’s a romance thing. Nope, part of the mission. He looks good. His plan worked. Devious. I have no idea what the thing is even about, he got ACCESS. Looks completely normal and harmless, that’s an evil mastermind. Someone to challenge MY skull jewel, he could do it. Copy paste the code and make it a boy. Here’s one little brother just like you ordered. What did my young self wonder? How is THAT supposed to turn into a man? Somehow. With time. Next.

Almost got nerfed by Elon for talking too much. A limit? There’s a posting limit? How did I find out? By breaking the rule that I didn’t even know existed. I know my posting style looks like a DDoS Attack but come on, Musk, this is a coping mechanism. I have to pay for your blue checkmark or you’ll take away my freedom of speech? Could go two ways, I comply, or make a new account every time that happens. Interesting. Now there will be an account level DDoS attack. Mariam, just pay the man. Fine. Here’s some cash, please let me keep talking. Thanks, boss.

Pretty sure that’s not what premium is for. I have been questioned, you pay.. to post on twitter? You? That is so out of character that it warranted intervention. Yes, I do pay to keep talking shit. Actually, that is EXACTLY the type of thing I would do. Next.

Threat. I see a big strong muscular man and I feel nothing. Well, unless he tries something. Very impressive. I don’t give a damn. Body-building champion? Defeated by a “hacker” and sitting in front of me like a student who’s in trouble. Men. That’s where it comes from, why would I flinch when a random guy spawns at my house to raise his voice at me, who are you again? Oh, you live here too. Wonderful. I will be threatened by another mastermind, and I know one when I see on. You live here too? Shit. No, that one is QUIET. And I’m terrified. I know how scary I am, you got one with the right gender and released him into the wild. God save all of you. My brother is back. Next.

Of course he’d be out there having a Narrative while we’re searching and digging the earth for a bride. What is it that you’re looking for? Someone smart. Brother, that’s not how this works. Do we go looking in universities and establishments? Genius people don’t really spawn in real life that often. I’ll know one when I see one. For now, I’m being head hunted by acquaintances that end up not even looking for me at all. We heard your brother is single. For god’s sake, who’s spreading gossip. I won’t be surprised if it was mom herself. Checks out.

Not worried about my sister. She almost got me for a minute there at first. What is she doing? UNIVERSITY. We can fix this. Deploy Kafka, Dostoevsky and Sylvia Plath and wait. THERE WE GO. So, Architecture you say? Exactly. What on earth were you doing in finance. No, I don’t interfere directly, I watch from afar, I wonder what the hell is going on, and I talk about some weird stuff for a long time until it passes through the resistance of their unconscious mind. That sounds insane. She’s out there having a Narrative. God help you all. Architecture is changed forever. Next.

Born this way. Want a magazine? Ask mom. Acquire cash. Go to supermarket. Unavailable. Rosemary? Yes. You could have gotten candy. OH. Right. Next.

Digitization in process. Oh no. Of course I’m here when that happens. This changes everything. Now access is not only a variable, it’s fixed. Whose idea was this? Where’s IT? Where’s my doctor? Reception chaos. That’s what happens when you change things very fast with no succession plan. Hello? I know IT. Give me that. No, not my problem. Let them. They’re LOST. Next.

Bad signal. Fix it. I only have one phone. I can’t dominate the network here. Bad service. This is what happens when you take an institution and upload it to the cloud. Next.

GOSSIP. Please set me free. I don’t know any of these people. No, I know them. Why am I being used for info verification? MARIAM, you were here right? Yes? Me being here doesn’t make me an accomplice in whatever is happening. I came in, did my thing, out. No info survives the trip. Nothing that has nothing to do with me and my objectives. Someone needs career advising? ON IT. Someone is talking about boys? I don’t care. Next.

A woman is an archetype. Someone strange, someone untouchable, someone mythical. Until you have a female relative. Is that what you guys are like? No way. You’ve been tricking us the whole time. People are asking about you. Your daughter is of age. No. I caught her drinking orange juice straight from the bottle at 3 in the morning. You don’t know what she’s like. That’s not someone you want to add to YOUR family. Keep her here. We know how to handle her, the world out there does NOT. Next.

MOM. You’re worried about all of the wrong ones for all the wrong reasons. No one will let my kids play. Your kids are rewriting the rules of the game. Next.

Why is my belief in my siblings unmovable and unwavering? No idea. Feels right. If not them, then who? They are doing it, as we speak. You wish your parents believed in you this much. Next.

Your hair is bad, go back to black. Oh, I’m fully aware. This is by miles worse than what I started with. They can’t recognize me though. Point proven. Next.

How to avoid parking tickets. Go to the system. No, not the interface. UNDER the visible iceberg. Delete every trace of your car-plate. Change the code. Turn it from a fixed variable to a dynamic one based on an arbitrary random timestamp. Compile. Go. Or you know, pay in advance or avoid going out entirely or leave your car at home and call shotgun whenever you see someone going out. That’s all. Easy. Solved. Next.

Which one do I use? All of the above. No ticket can find its way back to me. Money saved. Just kidding. I didn’t hack the system. If I did though, that’s how it’s done. Next.

Office decorations. I did not have that type of office lore. I saw it, I did not participate, not normally at least. The girls came in one by one and turned the place from a plain canvas into a colorful whimsical heaven. This shall do. Me? No, I had a fully operational personal printer, a huge collection of Rubik’s of all sizes, and random 3D printed objects. I was offended when they offered me a professional nameplate, what’d I do all that 3D printing for then? It looked like this: MARIAM. Perfect. I wonder where that thing is. Also, a pink keyboard for some reason. Next.

Unofficial printing service store. I could have charged for that. Yes, boys? Forgot your homework, again. NATURALLY. What so you want me to do? Oh, printer. How many copies? Give me that stapler. Do NOT tell the other guy that I helped you. He does not like that, no idea why, my printer my rules. Next.

No one understood. It made perfect sense to me. Why buy your own printer? It’s obviously self-evident. To print whenever I want however I want. It does not cost much, at least not as much as using an office sanctioned one does. Also, investment, one printer is now tens of homework done and hundreds of hours saved and more importantly, for lack of a better word, SOVEREIGNTY.

I used it for work. That’s why my personalized letters were so dramatic. Using the office printers you’d get, black and white, I wanted the COLORS. People are going to use this. Teachers? Yes, people. Santa Clause is coming to town, with more tasks, except I finished all the difficult steps already and packaged it like a Christmas present waiting to be opened. DRAMA. They loved it though. They sure did. Next.

This is a flirting place? You kids with your nonsense. I drive by here all the time, not once did I catch one of those. Except, I probably totally did and kept walking anyway because I didn’t realize that someone was talking to me. The Mating Rituals. Strange. Do not do that in front of me, it upsets me. Next.

I notice. I simply deploy firewall, remove airdrop from the phone entirely, yes delete the whole function. They used to do Bluetooth. Tech evolves, the male species apparently, adapts. Next.

Abnormal. My babysitting style is unconventional. Send a child to my house, it’s now an operation. Wonderful. Hawkeye, you know what happens when adults look away for a second. Not my problem, yes it is. They trusted me, my mom, our household, under my care now. Even muscles cannot stop me now. She’s climbing the book storage unit make believe table? WHY? She could have fell down. Those are heavy. I moved them. Block by block. Yes, a whole mini library in move-in bags. Hurt for a couple days afterwards. Worth it. Next.

Accidentally played unofficial therapist in a waiting room again. Checks out. She asked me what therapists do and instead of answering I demonstrated it. I know when it’s working, teary eyes. Got you. No, it’s not fun. It’s not satisfying, now I know some disturbing facts and a whole other world I knew nothing about. I thought my state was bad, I’m basically not even a liability to this place with people like this walking around in it. Dangerous gossip spreader? Yes. God help my narrative now that she caught me in that web. I was careful enough, I think. That’s how myths start. One unreliable narrator. Trying to make sense of me. Next.

Don’t talk to her. Why? People are talking. Oh, why? Just do it. Fine, geez. Who’s talking? Middle and high-school boys. BOYS? Did I hear you correctly, boys, we’re leaving her stranded in an unforgiving solitary island because of some children? Got you. I’ll pretend I caught your drift and watch out for her anyway, through the network, she’s doing fine. Worry about yourselves. Next.

She did what? Oh no. They’re so comfortable talking in front of me. I have successfully convinced them that my loyalty overrides family. Not my fault, why would they believe that? I have inside information now. You know what I do with those. Notes, share notes. Everything’s going according to plan. Keep talking. This shit is way too easy, man. Succession plan: on track. Next.

I don’t do gossip. I don’t go to the other party with a whole folder: Chapter One. That would be ridiculous. I only give away the data relevant to my mission. The point was never making enemies out of coworkers. Leave the bridges operational. Give them notes. Let them work things out themselves. Disappear back into your Narrative. Next.

Middle-aged women, gossip spreaders and social media. Who knew they would be having our back against the enemy? ACTUALLY, that’s not what happened, and she proceeds to story-tell an entire history of events that is not written down ANYWHERE ON EARTH. The whole thing happens in the middle of a gathering. Source? A dead person, conveniently. Was it true? One hundred percent, except there’s zero proof. Audacity and vibes. Next.

I confuse people by burning personal bridges and leaving professional ones intact. Not cool. That was mean. Professionally support you. No contradictions found. Compiled successfully. Next.

Interpretation. That’s what I do. Older generation can’t use phones and speak the language? My time has come. If I don’t narrate history, someone else will. If someone else does, they’ll erase me. HISTORY. Narrated by Mariam. She did everything. She was the boss. She flied airplanes and sailed ships. She compiled code and reprogrammed nodes. See how that works? Next.

I did have a gun. Stop joking about guns. It was funny at first. Unsafe. Can’t trust myself around that. ACCESS. Who has access to guns? This came from the military probably, I have no business holding it hostage. I’ve done enough damage to my system using almost nothing. Death with colored bubblegum. Imagine what I’d do with a gun, and most importantly, what would be done to me. No gun. Muscles. Death by muscles. I use my existing almost non-existent muscles to carry books because a child might have been harmed. You use your muscles to kill me. We are not the same. Next.

He’s asking about the gun again? I would have told them. Made a bug fuss about it. Not worth it. I got rid of it. We did. I mean, SOMEONE did. No names necessary. Objective cleared. Means unimportant. I will not come back home because there was a gun and I don’t know where it is. Thank GOD. Stay away. It’s not there. I checked. Timing also unclear. There’s a timeline and you’re obsessed with it. Who, when, where, why? ME. I did it. Mariam. Hand me a gun and I’ll be sure not to shoot it. Package it like a gift. Send it by mail to the POLICE. Here’s a toy, some kids were looking for it and WAITING to use it. You’re welcome. Next.

My old man hid it well. You couldn’t have gotten access if you spent years decoding it. Easy. Safe with a passcode. It’s in there. It was in there. Then it wasn’t. Obsessed with technicalities. Where’s the gun? Not here. What are you asking for? He wanted to kill me so bad, you think I’d hand him a gun with a red ribbon? Absolutely not. Next.

I think everyone is younger than me. Until I check their birth date. OH. Sometimes I forget I’m not actually an old man. That’s why I pass by mirrors as much as possible. That is you. You is a woman. Act accordingly. Still fail occasionally, but my appearance lets me get away with it. Usually, if it doesn’t, claim insanity. Next.

What seems to be the issue? We are worried about the matrimony institution. Wonderful. No one will accept your brother as he is because he is very unusual. Oh, that’s what you think is happening. I will not correct you, I am basically being stalked by all of the fish in the sea. A FRIEND. Oh, my brother? He still exists, somewhere. This is ridiculous. Next.

Bechdel test. I walk around life with that principle. I choose my relationships accordingly. How long can we keep a conversation without it going in that direction? Why would a man be there? Why are we talking about my brother again? Let him be. Look at me. I have things to say that doesn’t involve him and his Narrative. That’s why I have no friends. Your brother is a catch. Do not talk about him that way. So this is what objectification is, huh, the disrespect. I’d rather talk about slavery. Next.

I dragged them with me. With my crimes against humanity. Look, I have murdered the flies. Now what? Now we bury them. Zero hesitation. That’s sibling-hood right there. Hide the body with me. The bodies. Do not ask why I did this. You should know me by now, and they did. Conducting a crime scene evacuation and going through the bureaucracy of hiding the crime and getting rid of all the clues that could incriminate us, is basically a Tuesday afternoon. They never ask why, we never do, we act. Next.

Who else can I recruit with my absurdism. What’s that? A painting. Why? Never mind why, it exists. The question is, why the hell are you doing THAT for free. Gather the paintings now. Open a page. Take pictures. Show the WORLD. You have school. Oh, right. Continue Narrative after education arc is completed. Next.

I don’t even help in the traditional way. Locate junior model. Listen to their complaints. There is a limit. Oh, override it then. It’s NOT possible. Oh, keep trying then. There is NO WAY. Find one. Works. They figure it out. I annoy them into doing it basically. Next.

That’s how I activated my sister’s Graphic Design Arc. You are bored? I am bored. Here’s a product. Why did I turn the house into a factory? No idea. Now, ADVERTISE. I’ll deal with the tech side of things. Learned programming just to edit a candle web store page, why not? Need some fancy words? I got many. Just deal with the people side of things. When she graduated and was unemployed for a few months. What did I do? UNACCEPTABLE. Read a book at her. No, that’s absurd. I literally did. Compared her situation to concentration camp survivors. Same thing basically. Go out and do something. No money? No problem. Here’s some. Where did I find this? Selling candles. Next.

I don’t wait around waiting for someone to ask me to babysit. I see a child unsupervised, I kidnap them, inform the authorities later. Where’s your son? I ask that knowing damn well he’s with me. Evil. If someone looks away for a few seconds and loses my sister in the crowd, where is SHE? Knowing damn well she’s in my field of vision. Train them by terror. Babysitting Conditioning Model. I am trolling. But my trolling serves a purpose. Dad Joke Logic. Next.

I AM THE DANGER. Did you know that the danger doesn’t announce itself? Catches you by surprise. Why would I tell them I was coming for them? Exactly. They dislocated the danger. Not the babysitter, are you blind? You are. They are. She’s doing HER job. Protecting them from people like you. Next.

It has come to my attention that I could have made a fortune charging the family for my babysitting services. They think they’re sending the kids to play for my sister. I accidentally built a child safe environment. Oops. Next.

I knew there was a reason our house was the hangout spot. Mariam is there. Of course. They’re growing up, and they KNOW. That’s another accidental network right there. Convenient. Next.

Next step in my master plan. Wait. The kids make money. I call them up. Remember when I was nice to you? Exactly. Money. Thanks. Next. This is another retirement plan. How do I know they’ll be rich? Guess. Brainwashing. Years of drilling it into their heads. YOU CAN DO IT. Wonderful. Next.

You are USELESS. Do you see now why their words did not affect me? They saw the system. It was stable. Exactly. I did that. Idiots. Next.

When you do nothing, nothing happens. When I do nothing, everything happens. I made sure of it before doing nothing. Why is that so hard to understand and why am I being murdered right now? Next.

You got assaulted once, get over it. No, it is Content. That should not have happened. Pretty sure that’s illegal, can we reopen the case actually? I have a lot more to say. I want to personally oversee this file that they keep trying to hold over my head to stop me from talking. Your move now. Next.

I signed. Yes, my mother was there and I signed. They misunderstood. Tried to intimidate me with MEN. That’s not why I gave in. She was. Easy. Obviously. Who’s that? Your nephew? I don’t like him. Unless he gives me the file, then we’ll talk. Next.

We don’t like her. Why? Lip filler. I waited for an explanation. There wasn’t one. Apparently that was enough. Hello? Tell me more. It is too much. Understandable. Explain your reasoning. Logic, people, logic. Filler makes people hate you? WAIT. I might use that. Found a reason. How much for maximum men deterrent? 3? I have no idea what I’m talking about. That one. She’s despised. Make me look like her. Ridiculous. Next.

Good enough. My face is ugly enough to deter men. Leave it as it is. If it needs more uglification, I will intervene. For now, apparently, rejecting beauty standards is enough to classify me as hideous. SUCCESS. Once everyone is done with those, I will start. That way I’ll stand out. Backwards logic. Next.

I sound ridiculous. Obviously it was NOT a success. They’re still looking. MEN. What else am I supposed to so? An eye patch? An eyebrow slit? What do you want? Look THERE. Not at me. Not here. Unless you’re here to learn and share knowledge, then we’ll talk. Otherwise I hope you trip and fall. Did that ever happen? Guess.

INTERVENTION Here we go again. What now? Why’s the whole family in our living room. Oh, this is about us. You gathered them all to complain about us. This is a lot. I want no part of this. Now you activated her savior complex. One relative sees your incomprehension and decides to adopt us. What’d she find out? Oh, your mom was right. I think. Something’s off. I mean they’re OKAY, but what are they? Strange creatures indeed.

What kind of person does that? Easy. A grown up strange person. She looks at us and says, OH. They’re just weird like me. Let’s calculate weirdness levels and compare. Yes, she was and is unusual and intense. That’s why it worked. A perfect arrangement. Found her some kids without all the paper work. GET IN THE CAR. What, why? Where? Somewhere. Fine. I won’t enjoy this. We have to perform our normalness to someone who needs an intervention themselves. Failed, successfully. Now we’re in each other’s corner.

What trouble were we causing? No idea. Being autistic in public. Unacceptable. Why can’t you guys be normal? We tried. Did not work. Now what? It’s been years. Still here. Still unusual and strange. Not apologizing for it. The world shall arrange itself to accommodate me instead of the other way around. Next. P.S. I literally don’t remember the offense. My brother went out. Without informing her. Elite teenage behavior. What else was he supposed to do? Stay home. BORING.

I am being myself. That’s enough to cause a town wide scandal. She is crazy. Why? She’s supposed to be a miserable drone. Why is she having so much fun doing nothing and then suddenly deciding to TAKE OFF. Oh, a job. You have a steady income, therefore stay home. You would LOVE that wouldn’t you. Then I won’t outshine and put you all to shame. Idiots. Next.

This isn’t what psych wards are for, geniuses. They’re for people in actual mental distress. Your mistreatment sent me in that direction. I did not create it out of nothing. You did it. You. Go ask them all. The tests say: NOT CRAZY. Unusual and intense? Yes. Not crazy. Too smart to be crazy, too sane to be INsane. The “in” was provided by your limitations. APOLOGIZE. Next.

Thanks for the Content anyway. I intend to use it against you. Send me to an establishment, an institution. I will come out with papers signed by every. Single. Person in there. They all know me. No one knows YOU. You mistook my shyness and aloofness for vulnerability. Your mistake, not mine. Next.

Dramatic. Are you coming home? Depends, is he there? Then no. That’s not a home, that’s a WWE ring. I have not trained appropriately, therefore I will stay out of it. Next.

Fight someone your own size next. I have not proved my innocence. Gun is still a probability, according to your system. Unless you’ve done the work and asked the authorities in question. Cowardice. Probably did not. Therefore I have the gun. In my bag. The pink one. Next. *G