On the outside it looks suspicious enough

On the outside it looks suspicious enough. You got the most troubled kid and gave him access. Yes. That was a mistake. That’s why I did it. Everyone else was BORING. The truth is even more suspicious. Hack wars. That happened strictly online. It’s like Star wars but for hackers. You know what, never seen Star Wars, I’m assuming it’s the same premise. Probably not.

Why did I deny my hacking abilities? I’ll let you answer that one yourself. Would a thief exclaim that he was stealing? Obviously not. Even if I did, let’s try it: HEAR YE HEAR YE I KNOW HOW TO HACK. See? No one cares.

Yes Ethical hacking Definitely Not using it for my advantage

Block me Mute me Unfollow me What’s that going to accomplish? It will delegate the task to my unconsciousness Still going to happen I would be confused about the objective though

Write something Release it in the wild Don’t go back and read it I probably said some stuff I shouldn’t have

Purposeful Not by chance Look back and you might slip Should I delete that? No Keep it All of it

Accountability If it’s out here I’ll be more embarrassed if I don’t live up to it I might fail But then everyone will know Great Created Real Life Rehab Except the relapse is something as mundane as I said yes when I meant no

This is annoying I would much rather be designing jewelry Yes, someone else did it for me but I’d much rather have that kind of career Ridiculous I have another sun necklace SCORE

Took her long enough to learn Spent her youth giving out her gold and money Ma’am, you are allowed to profit off of this That’s how I corrupt people Convince them to steal the public’s money Not literally, but you know what I mean Why give it away if no one can do it like you?

DON’T encourage her You know she’s unstable Yes I’m not going to Absolutely not That’s a goldmine What do you mean? APPROVED

Infiltrate What? Most guarded place Prison? No Rehab? Wait Don’t give me ideas

Too late Oh no An interview No, this is an investigation Interesting That’s more substances than I even knew were actually distributed around Where? Answer the question Oh, no, none of those Now I know Know what? Who gave it to me? Found it Lying around Names? Write this down None of your business Why am I here? No idea Bored

You think they’d figure it out and ban me from there by now. No, one of their favorites. A success story. Easy to say when I showed up successful. Look at that. Hair color changed. Yep, just as I thought. Didn’t recognize me. Now the question is: Is everybody here on drugs, or am I WAY more functional than humanly allowed?

The answer to boredom is NOT putting yourself in situations where you know there would be an interrogation kind of interaction. Don’t do it. I’m not normal. Don’t listen to me.

They don’t even check me. That’s Mariam, we know her, open the gate. I practically work there now, one problem: I suck at parallel parking.

Get me a doctor. Oh, what’s that? A tricyclic anti-depressant? Shit. Not supposed to know that. Look at that. Scared her. Now she’ll hand me to the other doctor. That’s fine, as long as one sees me.

I don’t know how this is supposed to go, but I’m sure I’m doing it wrong. Oh no, I have to see a therapist? Okay, I’ll do the thing. I studied, did my homework, definitely was not supposed to show up practically fully informed but WHATEVER. Now apply that in real time. What happened? She feels more useful. That’s incentive right there. She walks out of the interaction thinking, wow, I helped someone today. Why do I do it? I was bored and it’s way more entertaining than work.

Positive reinforcement. She’ll help the others with my tailored approach. Psychotic, unhinged, unusual. Giving back to society in the worst possible way. Did I work? No idea. Unimportant. Someone shows up. Someone keeps showing up. The overall experience is better for everyone involved. You’re welcome.

Someone has to do it. I read the books, watched the videos, I don’t have the degree to get in there the usual way. Therefore get access as a patient. Easy. Faster than med school. Sue me.

Don’t ask. I saw a door, I used it. Anyway, any other unusually restricted places I can investigate now? No, don’t tell me, one day I’ll have to grow up and live life like a normal civilian. Batman kind of logic has to stop at one point, right? Please tell me it stops at one point.

Guys, who are we fighting now? I’m late to the curriculum as usual. I’ll launch the cyber attacks protocol just in case. There. Gone. Take that.

I wasn’t there when they were giving out the Syllabus. Apparently I wrote it. I don’t remember doing that. Someone please tell me they read what I put in motion. Anybody. It’s right there. The Syllabus.

Consequences already started coming in? That was fast Anywho What is going on? One by one Boom

What an empathetic kind man. Wait, nope, cancel that thought. One of my offenders. Next.

I am difficult. I’ve been trying to tell you. People take one look and say: “Aww, what a harmless delicate butterfly.” Okay? Moving on. Next.

Recruit me or risk catching stray bullets. Simple. Next.

Kept him in my office. Worked. Someone should have kept me in their office. Metaphorically. Would have worked. Instead, I’m manufacturing my own battles. Next.

I remember That’s the line Why’d you cross it? Not the first time someone called me an orphan with a proud evil smirk That’s the trigger People are so careless with my trigger

How do I keep getting what I want and also getting away with everything? People kept pulling my trigger. Idiots. Next.

Takes a few seconds. I stretch the consequences indefinitely. They started it. Kindergarten logic. There’s no teacher forcing me to shake hands with the offenders. I am the teacher. I say it was justified. Next.

The war is over when I say so. When I die. YEP. Sounds like a good end-line. Death. If anybody wants to accelerate the process they’re welcome to try. Next.

DRAMA. Anyway, where was I? Oh, why are they such adorable puppies when I’m not around? That’s not normal. Explain. Next.

He’s behaving. Good. Took care of that. Wait, no, he’s back at it. Why does this happen whenever I come around? Starting to think that the world DOES revolve around me. Honestly, checks out. Who else would it revolve around? Rosemary is a good centrifuge point. Next.

Guys don’t like me. At all. I realize that. I am aware. I also want to know why. I have my suspicions and theories and hypotheses, but it still explains nothing. They’re good until I show up, then they either attack each other and in the most extreme of cases, attack me. Come on now. Behave. Next.

Older men are fine. I mean middle-aged and above. Comrades. Very respectful. It’s the 30 year mark that activates the hostility. They have a birthday and immediately go: “WHERE’S ROSEMARY?” I’m looking for someone to harm. She’s good at taking it. Next.

What’s the catch? They clearly know how to behave. I see it. Oh, self-destruct. Got it. Next.

Yes, yes. Shut up. I solved the universe just to end up complaining about a couple of guys who annoyed me. Is my life a game to you? Let me show you how I play. Next.

It HURTS. That’s why I outsourced it. Everyone gets a piece. Not attempting death again. Next.

How does something like me happen to occur? Well, locked up in a 13th floor that refuses to acknowledge the number. Not literally locked up, but where else would I go? Zero sleep. Sweating, bruised up, miles and miles away from home and not an ounce of mercy or relief. That’s how. I can look at the floor from here but I can’t bring myself to jump. That’s how. Next.

I hope it hurts. I designed it that way. Over-engineered it to hit the exact triggers. How do I know? I know. Forgiveness. Not here. Not with me. Forgive yourselves if you need it that bad. Next.

Am I enjoying this? Yes and no. One act of kindness could have prevented all of this from happening. One. One arm. Not even a full embrace. One. Not even that. Next.

Good job. Now go apply those lessons somewhere else. Far away from my sight. Don’t even let me see you. Next.

I can’t infiltrate all male spaces. I have no idea what they do in there. I can however interact with a few test subjects. Safe ones, old enough to know not to mess around. Now we sit and listen. Books? You haven’t married because of books. Come on now uncle, be reasonable. Oh, you’ve asked and they said no. How did you ask? Travelled. Located target and asked. Deadass. Of course they said no. Absurd.

Male relative? Send Rosemary. She’s conducting research. Subject? The male species. Now, explain your reasoning and what you do usually. A day in the life. Why am I interviewing them? I’m not. It’s family quality time. Favorite movies and shows? I don’t ask directly. Clearly you’ve spent a Lot of time with fiction. Either visual or in text. Give me a summary of your favorite genre. Got it. Now I know how they operate. Invasive? Maybe. It absolutely is. I don’t know why I do it. Starts with a normal conversation. Ends with accidental Lois Lane vibes.

Clearly me existing is a threat to their ego but I can’t say that. I already said it. That was 10 percent of my interface, you’re already crying. I tried. Next.

Anyway, as long as they’re scared and hesitant to talk to me. Oh, it’s that code again. The “NO ONE SPEAK TO ME”. Classic one. Works for everything. Next.

Need a higher paying job? NO ONE SPEAK TO ME Need workplace protection? NO ONE SPEAK TO ME Need people giving you free stuff for no reason? Believe it or not NO ONE SPEAK TO ME Need the whole institution to behave as soon as you show up? NO ONE SPEAK TO ME Need to overthrow an existing system? NO ONE SPEAK TO ME Need to get rid of a bad behaving person? NO ONE SPEAK TO ME

Trust me. It works. I have tested all of the above. User testing. I realize the irony, I don’t do that when they beg me to at work. Next.

Act now. Explain later. Thanks for all the free jewelry, obviously I’ll pay you back and more. Already doing that. Next.

Family. It’s family. Don’t go there. Never a man. Never been about a man. Next.

Affection. Maybe they don’t know how to do that properly. I’m frightened by their enthusiasm after they deliberately held me underwater. This is you making things right. I know, still not enough. Give. They know how to give. And after all of that nonsense they put me through, I have become a professional taker. More, more, I almost forgot about the offense. Not. Can I have that too? SCORE. Evil. So evil. Next.

Professional scammer. I know where to look. There’s something there. Something happened. You weren’t born like this, it was them. I thought you were being manipulative, but no, you’re doing this automatically. Creepy. Puppet with strings. Surely after that damage you’d think and pause before repeating it. No? No. She’s a professional taker. Learned from the best. Next.

My things. Guess how I got them. By tolerating harm, staying alive and apparently, receiving gifts because of it. I know what this is. A Pacifier. I’ll take it. Until my personal empire is on its legs. I’ll take anything and everything they give. Already did. Next.

My silence can be bought. Highest bidder. Go. Start with the highest you can think of and then go higher. Next.

Masculine enough to tip the scales. Yes, even visually. Too feminine and you lose their interest. Just feminine enough to not be mistaken for a man. That’s where the uncanny valley effect starts interfering. You look like your father. No shit Sherlock. Next.

For my last trick. I’ll disappear. He didn’t die. There he is. You got fooled by the dress code. Idiots. Next.

For what it’s worth. He never failed the aesthetic department. Dropped into the wrong map. I can relate. Next.

My bad. I guess most people aren’t that close with their fathers. Tough luck. That’s why my trigger makes no sense for most. Say another word about him. I dare you. Next.

Unimpressed. Give me the world on a silver platter. No one compares. He set the bar up high. His last and final joke. Funny. Next.

Not a burden. I know what a heart attack looks like. He must have felt like a burden. So what if I was sleeping? I can wake up. It’s not an excuse. Next.

My fault. Yes, my fault for sleeping. Never sleeping again. There, you win. About them, they need me, I know they need me. Do they even like me? We love you. Sure. I don’t care. Love me from afar. Next.

It’s been years. How many? More than five. Long enough to forget. Never. I will remember. Every single day until I die too. Always.

He tried to tell me. In the only way that he could, can you help me with this thing on my phone. Yes, I can. That call lasted seconds. I was next to him in a couple of minutes. That fast. I was confused, he was confused. I didn’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I slept. Next.

Makes sense. I do that. Call people for no apparent reason. They don’t answer though. Not like I did. Sometimes they do, not for the right reasons, telling me to get lost basically. Definitely don’t come running like I did. Next.

Phone call log. Last name was mine. Badge of honor. Eternal reminder of my failure. Failed him. With my idiotic tendency to take things literally. This is obviously not a technical issue, Rosemary. Classic. Next.

That’s my name you’re dragging through the mud. That’s our name. Of course I’ll retaliate. Next.

That’s your brother. Let me see. How? The eye color itself needs an investigation. So, basically when best friends give birth around the same time they decide to do a mutual adoption clause deal. Oh. Makes absolutely no sense but I’ll accept it. More family for me. Next.

I passed his inspection before he passed away. He didn’t die disappointed. I know that. Next.

I’m burning everything. World domination. Cat acquired along the way. Next.

Two modes Don’t show up. Be late. The other is naturally breaking in your workplace Going so early that your only coworkers are the cleaners, the tea boy and security and you got the VIP parking Do that enough times then wonder why you’re popular with the wrong demographic Peers? We see her every once in a while The rest? She owns the place My bad, all or nothing, back or white

That’s how you end up being security’s bestie Workplace parking navigation system Basically my improvised Valet solution Psst.. keep one for me Who are you again? Oh, IT Acting like the big boss again for some reason

I wanted to avoid traffic Accidentally became the workplace’s mythical figure, the department is mine until official work hours, open up the lights, eat breakfast Make sure the place smells heavenly Once coworkers arrive Zero incentive to stay there Zero

They said go to work On time Improvise Go before everyone Disappear during work hours Monopolize the ticket system Make sure they KNOW which tickets are yours By repeatedly assigning them to yourself Social conditioning Don’t like a ticket? Pass it around They can tell? Yes, obviously When the complaints are supposed to land I am conveniently not there Naturally I end up an unofficial boss here too Naturally Why do I do this? I was wondering why everyone knew me

I did EVERYTHING wrong Everything Also my competence show off got me out of difficult tasks If we give her that, she’ll run the place for real Exactly Now hand me the password changing tickets Don’t ask me where I disappear to And don’t treat me like one of your employees I am obviously something else entirely Get a local, good for business Not this one, local hazard No one will believe them She did what? We never see her and she barely talks, EXACTLY Workplace Horror Story She’s a ghost She’s a spy She wants to collect the paycheck and go home Make everyone’s day a bit more confusing on the way

How long did the takeover take? Less than a year More than enough Built the reputation Now we have freedom In the parameters that we established Which is very convenient The road was full of bad intentions One intention See no one Talk to no one Now I’m popular Failed Successfully As usual

It’s an instinct Gets me in trouble New territory? Accidentally establish a kingdom No Time to quit Maybe not Maybe they’ll fire me Then I won’t have to worry about it

I probably won’t notice if they shuffled higher management around Not at first Maybe after a while Security though Where’s the other guy? I don’t know you

I don’t buy outfits I don’t purchase clothes It’s like a game Buy skins Why do you always wear that? It’s my unofficial uniform I have 3-5 copies Why? No idea Feels right

I don’t bother proving myself Wait, guys, I have other outfits Absolutely not, let their brains lag Why do I have a desktop mirror? Not for vanity If I’m masking in real time I have to see what I’m doing Sometimes it’s for makeup Mariam, why? We don’t walk out the door without makeup Why not? They’ll know what we look like without it And? I’ll show up barefaced and be a different person by break time No time No time

Tools Ticketing system That’s all They messed up when they gave me access Immediate takeover Guys, what’s this? How does it work? It’s so complicated. NOT You, take this ticket You, that one You, do this one Me? I’ll change passwords, and manage the tickets Convenient

I didn’t share this in the interview Didn’t go in with the intention to STUN Calibrate in real time They don’t expect much They don’t expect anything Do I know Microsoft Word and Excel Wait I got that license at 10 years old But no, I know the basics, you guys can teach me They’ll let just anyone in Good thing anyone was me

Mariam, no We don’t do it that way I know My goals were wildly differentiated than the rest of you So, you open the ticket, then you solve it No, I’m doing the ticketing itself I am the system now

The public image The general All of that is defeated by the clock Come to work early enough and you’ll know I’m full of shit The whole outfit and performance? Haven’t gotten around to it yet Not even pretending that anything is off Is that what you actually look like? How old are you? Old ENOUGH I was working on it with the makeup I know my real face has no business having that much authority

There are cameras There are screens It’s like a control room I can see everyone from here Which means They can also see me Arriving early Sneaking out I’ll pretend not to know Give them the upper hand See what happens Nothing Nothing happens They’re covering up for me now I never asked them to

Email signatures Why does everyone have the same one? It’s policy Says who? We don’t know Now’s my chance before anyone notices Design my own Tell no one Reply to as many emails as possible Presence established? Mariam, you weren’t supposed to do that We have a signature template Oh no, you don’t say Help me with that? As in do it for me My operation failed, successfully Online presence They know my name My face? Nor necessarily Efficiency Finish an hours long task in minutes Log it in hours anyway Enjoy the extra time

Have you met Mariam? She’s new Of course, everyone knows Mariam Wait, they do? When did this happen? Parking issues, someone blocked my exit Again SECURITY He’s coming? There they go strolling Who said you could go for lunch without informing me? You were eating while I was stuck here, was it good? Was the food THAT good? Now, move it Why are they actually scared, it’s not a big deal I’m exaggerating for comedic effect How to network Do you know how accidental royals do it? There’s a wedding? Let’s go You weren’t invited Oh, and? My version of that is There’s an event? Let’s go You don’t know them personally Oh, and? Now they know Now we’re invited

Who’s responsible for this mess? Sir, it’s Mariam Oh Who’s that? Who hired her? Sir, you did I did? When? Oh Oh no Her mom didn’t warn me about THIS

Villain origin story Acquire tech skills Acquire degree Live in a house Establish an IT department in that house Crown yourself governor Cahoot with the army I mean your father What’s the objective here, sir? Establish online presence We can do that Gather the photos The documents The books Do you know how seriously we took that? Hand me a book That book He summarized it by hand Handwriting, no AI no nothing Hand me that And your phone Transcribe it letter by letter Post There you go You’ll find your old friends now *