I’m the problem here

I’m the problem here. If we let them do whatever they want, they’ll turn into HER. Oops. My bad. Next.

Favorite toy category. Whatever they give out to dads who worked in the army. What’s this? Oh, I could use this. I lost it. That was my favorite spy gadget. What did it do? Sound amplification. I probably wasn’t supposed to be playing with that. Next.

No wonder he was territorial over his space. Everything and anything is fair game when your kids are curious enough. Fast forward a few years, we’re having an attention deficits argument. You lost it, not me. I did leave my ID in some pharmacy for a couple of weeks then accused him of losing it. Classic. His room was an archive. My bad.

He’s gone Okay, so bring him back No Why? Physics Oh Why do I treat real life money like Robux? No idea, same principle, no? My sister calls, she asks for more Robux, I use real life money to get more Robux. What did she do with it? Absolutely no idea whatsoever. Something. Anyway, you spend Robux, you run out, you ask your big sister for more, she delivers. I’m the big sister, I do the same thing with money.

I think I spent a lot more money than I was supposed to do in one lifetime, then when I ran out I went looking somewhere else. There’s always somewhere else, big sister delivers. Next.

We need funding How? No idea Why? To acquire things Okay, but how? Figure it out Done, what do we acquire? No idea Next

Idiotic Don’t try in real life Unless you’re good with resources and can make something out of nothing I learned that by experimenting Go do the thing before learning Get lost Lose resources Figure it out Now I know Next

If I fail Good More to do I was bored anyway Next

Life is a video game Fortunately for me I have all the cheat codes Next

Naturally if someone who doesn’t know how to pearl-dive sees me preparing to dive, they will stop me, try to kill me, then release me back into the ocean. I was going to do that anyway, but thanks for the long detour. Next.

Accidentally got fans by being clueless and going inside classrooms. I was doing everything wrong. Disastrous. Someone should have stopped me from going in. Reckless. Oh, I was the security. I approved myself. Next.

Once the cloning is done, you remove yourself. They can take care of themselves, what good is my continued presence? Especially if it comes with maximum security protocols that somehow locks me in with the source of danger. What do you mean? We’ll protect you by leaving you with the bear in a locked room. Explain.

Hard luck. Life ain’t easy. I’ll live in my car before choosing a polished up prison presenting itself as a palace. Next.

You’ve packed. Location? Outside. You’re ELOPING? No. I’m leaving. Location? No idea. Anywhere but here. No one’s aiding me. I’m not running away with a man, I am the man. That’s what it was. Next.

Why plan an escape when you’re an intelligence agency with legs? A man. What’s that for? He’ll rescue me then lock me up. He’s another bear. Why would I do that? Idiotic. Next.

It’s not what it looks like because you don’t know what it looks like. You see a woman doing something and you look around for a puppeteer. Why is it moving by itself? Where are the strings? I am the puppeteer now. Get here, leave. Stop icing your bleeding nose and look at me. Go get me water from the fridge. Don’t spit blood on my clothes. Why not? I already did. Next.

What happened to my blood? They were scrubbing the living room while I was still taking punches. Guys, can we finish the main event first? The blood is still coming and it’s still coming and now it’s on his clothes and he’s offended by that. The whole thing was not offensive enough. Me spitting the blood he was responsible for creating was apparently the line. Ridiculous.

Is that disturbing? I can imagine. I don’t have to imagine. It was disturbing. I was disturbed. I am still disturbed. I hope everyone is at least a little bit, a tenth of a fourth of a hundred disturbed.

Before attempting acts of violence, you should check the report cards and awards first. Make sure it’s not someone capable of writing it down the way I’m doing, or, you know, don’t commit acts of violence. What happened happened, and I’m an archivist. Not leaving any details untouched. Next.

Play dumb. Don’t embarrass them in front of their wives and kids now, come on. That’s what I was doing. You’re welcome.

Nothing I have nothing to offer Love? Companionship? What’s that? Close the door behind you Never call back Next

Try again Give them another chance My man What was I doing the whole time? They dropped the ball I placed it right into their hands They let go and dropped it Next

Go get the ball Where is it? No idea You dropped it You find it Next

Go talk to them instead of this? No, this is more entertaining. No one shuts me up or stabs me because I let my guard down. Everyone’s getting a lesson now. Get your notebooks. Lesson 1: don’t mess with me. Next.

Summer. Mania. Easy. First time I remember was 2014. No clue what triggered it. I guess this is what happens now. Years of experience. Next.

Manic? Easy. Monetize it. Make a lot of money. Get bored. Now you’re rich and bored. Next.

Don’t overspend. Don’t be stupid. Hide the money from yourself. Over-save instead. Play the game backwards. Infinite money glitch. Next.

Be ready. The money comes. What does it face? What happens when it runs into you? Burn or proliferate. Next.

Sometimes I turn it into scented candles. Sometimes I fill up my closet. Sometimes I turn it into books. Consume and create. Both the same system. Both me. Next.

Burned it literally. Give me cash and a lot of free time. Why’s there a candle-making factory at home? Well, Mariam was bored. Now, people will burn it and it will smell good and I’ll have more cash. Next.

What even is a situationship? I can’t tell the difference, I always find myself in situations. Why is there a ship made out of situations? If they need a sailor, call me and I’ll steer right into an iceberg. Next.

There. Not a situation now. It’s a shipwreck and I’m pearl diving instead of finding any survivors. Next.

Anyone confused? I’ll make everything clear but it will not be pleasant. Clarity is better than ambiguity. Well, for me anyway. Next.

Yes or no. I don’t understand anything else. Yes? Stay. No? Go. Next.

I forgot how I got here. Someone put me in a ship. Kept saying no. Locked me in the basement. You’d think that means yes. No. I don’t know what that was. Anyway I freed myself, hence the iceberg. Next.

What happens to the rest of the crew is not my problem. I hope they drown. Not my problem. Next.

Why didn’t I just leave? Well, I don’t know. I was bored. I wanted to see how this kind of stuff happens. I know now. It happens when people don’t listen to me. Next.

Internal mechanics. Around that time. Why did they drop me here? The teacher is speaking in another dialect, I adopted that too for some reason. Went for break and forgot to go back to class. Was wondering why the student age brackets changed considerably since last break. The teacher interrupted my research to force me back into class. Also, strawberry milk accident. Inside the bag. All the books were compromised. Innocent. I don’t think so. Next.

Look at that face. That’s who you’re saying no to. Fortunately for me, she can apparently fend for herself. Next.

Blame it on substances now. I dare you. I double dare you. I’ve always been like this. Your shortcoming in understanding is yours. Defeated by a kindergartener. Next.

I’m not heartless. I’m exhausted. Mom shows me my childhood photos and asks where she went. She’s not who you think she was, you destroyed her. Broken down, stripped out of gold and pearls. I’m here, you just don’t like me anymore because I stopped being cute. Next.

I’ll do it all when I grow up. I won’t have to ask anyone before doing what I want to do. When? I thought I did already. Is that not enough? Hello, as a child I stormed out the door and walked back home barefoot when I was done with the sleepover arrangement. I was grown already, born ready. Next.

Why are grown ass men evaluating kid photo attractiveness levels? Go say that to her face, she’ll squirt strawberry milk over your hair and ride home on a stolen bike. Next.

There’s no right answer here. Look at it. Why are you looking? Wrong. No one asked. Wrong answer. Play-Doh incident. I don’t share. Classmate cries. Great, now we’ll have to shake hands. Fine. I still don’t approve of her pottery mechanisms. I had a plan, she ruined it. Next.

That was weird. Ugly babies. Did someone say I wasn’t cute? Where? Grade and section. Names secondary. Meet me in the playground after class. We’ll exchange baby photos. Don’t tell our parents. Next.

I knew that wasn’t safe. Men. Is that a child I would want to see the grown up version of? No. Don’t even wonder. Don’t ask that question. Next.

I thought no one could touch her from here. The lengths that men will go to just to make me uncomfortable. Next.

Today’s topic: pedophilia Why? I don’t want to talk about that Next

I didn’t choose the topic, it landed on my lap. So, what makes a child subject to that kind of behavior? They won’t talk, they won’t remember. Look at that face. She hasn’t forgotten a single thing. Next.

I would like to have one day when I don’t have to stumble onto some weird ass behavior that triggers another question. What happens if I do this? I found out. Pedophilia happens. Next.

I’m taking that photo back. What was I thinking? There are men here. Next.

I thought about it. Current children? Don’t share. Ancient children (me)? Safe. Nope. Error. Unsafe. Imagination went far off what’s appropriate. Next.

I’m traumatized enough. Don’t retroactively traumatize my child self by looking at her that way. Next.

Disturbing. I saw that. She’s not happy about it. We have to worry about that too on top of homework? Not fair. Next.

I take everything personally. That way I can write a generalized warning manifesto. Terror reign. O was infuriated when I found out some kid was bullying my sister. Enraged. Probably too large to be contained in my physique. Born mad and plotting. Who do you think you are? That’s my ward, hands off. Go home. Next.

My sister was a princess. Me on the other hand, a gender traitor. I should have seen this coming, she had a point. The fashion sense? Zero. Give me an oversized T-shirt and baggy jeans. I have no time for this, there are grasshoppers to catch. Did I get in trouble? Yes. What happens if I do this? Pixie cut. Oh, I’m getting some kind of invisible privilege. Interesting. Next.

We killed a lot of bugs. A lot of bugs. No grasshopper was safe in that backyard, and when we got bored of that, expand operation to aunt’s house. She looks at us from her balcony and yells, what are you doing? It’s self-evident. We’re catching food for the drought. Next.

Chaotic childhood. Come tell me about it. Let’s print masks, cat masks, DIY project, adorable. Now put on some skates, with the masks on, and perform for the audience. What audience? Well, the cars that drive by apparently. That’s completely normal. Next.

Walking is boring. Oh no. This isn’t me personally. Same category. Why walk when you can cartwheel yourself all the way? Excuse me? I’m not saying you can’t do it, I’m impressed. Could it be done? Yes. They did it. With witnesses. It was supposed to be an impromptu voyage from house to house. I don’t know what that was. Cartwheeling their miles away instead of walking them. Well, why not?

When your priority is science, aesthetic takes the backseat. Looking back, why was my sister in skirt and I dressed up like Jesse Pinkman. Well, you kept tearing up your dresses. Makes sense. And the shoes? No idea. Born with horrendous taste in shoe-wear. I had no time, wear whatever was closer to the door and run. Why am I wearing my father’s? Well, that was the only option. Next.

I didn’t realize that was bullying. I thought it was normal, that’s just how people are. Why did you let them do that? I didn’t. They did it, I didn’t understand it, it kept going. It didn’t bother me until someone pointed out that it should.

Shutting down all systems. Somewhere along the line that child found a computer. The rest is history. Next.

I skipped the make-up phase entirely. Why? Because it was expected of me. I have to. Let me think about it. If I participate in the game I might lose. So, no thanks, I’ll stay ugly. Solid logic. I know the basics now don’t worry. Next.

Unauthorized computer time. Search ghost pictures. Why? Now we won’t sleep for two weeks. The equivalent of asking AI to scare you personally. We had google so we improvised. Next.

Puberty Now womanhood is mandatory Not optional Rage quit Next

An interactive game With characters? What happens if one of them says something annoying? Unfollow Halfway through the forest? I thought they were onto something What’s that suicide jungle called? Japanese phenomenon I’ll abandon them there And walk home Next

Line them up Why are we in a forest? You walked us here Famous last words Ready go shoot No need to bury The crows will take care of it Next

Retired father routine Wake up early No, earlier Done Now what? Hang around Someone might need something Next

Retired father troubleshooting Why are you always late Hair Oh Cut it all off Dad? No I did Had a point Next

When I found out I didn’t have to drag Rapunzel’s hair around with me. Snip. Can you consider this? We took a long time growing it this time? Snip. Okay. Next.

Probably said it joking No, he was dead serious School is more important than hair It was interrupting the schedule Snip They’re girls Unimportant Snip Next

So that’s my villain origin story. If I have long hair it’ll steal the nutrients. I need them for brainpower. Also, the time saved hair styling is now available. Genius. What does gender have to do with it? No time to be pretty now we have a war to win. Next.

Worked on me. My dear sister was the inspiration. Her hair routine took longer. He takes one look. Cut it all off. My mother’s confused. She’s Rapunzel basically. All she knew is long hair. Where did she find this guy? No idea. When you live your whole life believing that your long long hair is an advantage, what do you think happens when you not only run into that, it’s also raising the kids with you. Cut it all off. But they’re girls. Snip. Great. She’ll never grow it long again now. Next.

This was a problem growing up. Can I go to my aunt’s place? No. Why don’t they come over? You always go. Unimportant. We need to meet somewhere. She said no. Then muttered something about our hair under her breath. Oh, we can’t go because we lost the hair. More time to play, what’s the problem? Next.

I’m tired I need more sleep It was interrupted I can’t go back to sleep now Don’t interrupt me Close my eyes and try again? No, takes too long I’ll just wait for night time They day is young The father is awake Thanks a lot, dad Thanks a lot Next

Sometimes when I had a problem What would Uncle Iroh do? Deadass, serious Why are you calling him uncle? Unimportant. You mentioned gym He trained his muscles in prison Therefore no one needs to go to the gym Makes sense to me Next

This conversation takes place between the front door and the car, we didn’t even get in the car yet. My sister should know by now that I have a way of making things up. You have a fitness problem, let me demonstrate my knowledge. Avatar The Last Airbender. Never been to the gym, my knowledge stops there. He was imprisoned, he needed muscles. Apply same logic. Next.

I don’t ask questions I listen to the Admiral He said cut it off He didn’t say study hair theory Time is capital He has no idea Women’s weapons Hair Which one has longer hair? I have to win this game by never cutting it off and taking care of it just in case someone dares to challenge my hair length allegations I saw that I get it I also saw Snip Shortcut Can’t lose if I don’t participate Next

Clueless big sister trying to help I have interviewed coworkers I have no idea what brides need Here’s a list, you might need it That’s not how that was supposed to go That’s exactly the kind of this I do RESEARCH She was confused She said you’re welcome? Anyway I tried Next

Baby photos The more innocent I look The more outrageous stuff I remember This is starting to be an issue How do I prove it I can’t Which is how she got away with it Next

A doll I’ll dress her up however I like 3 years later A new doll 2 dolls? But that one keeps coming home with ruined dresses One doll And a G.I. Joe Why’s she like that? No idea Next

One boy two girls Mom, explain The clothes say: Two boys one girl Next

Someone has to take care of the family PUT ON A DRESS AND SIT DOWN Oh, it’s one of those activities Already planning my next experiment Rock collection Understanding the stone demographic They gave me a backyard I can work with that Next

I didn’t understand why looks mattered Until I incorporated it into my science Oh, if I look like that they listen to me Interesting, I’ll go find an eyeliner This is supposed to be hard I’m an artist, I’ll figure it out It was not hard at all The consequences were No eyeliner, normal day Eyeliner, prey being hunted Why’s everyone playing with these? It’s dangerous Next

Go look pretty No Go influence people Does this require being pretty? Then yes Next

She’s wearing makeup Perfume The whole thing What do you suppose she’s up to? Must be in love The poor thing I wish it was that simple I was on a mission They all need to be in love for this to work Not with me With my image Next

We need a bride for your brother Well, what do you want me to do? We can share suggestions He shuts them down What’d she study? Is this a job interview? As him if there’s someone Why? Oh, the perfume No, he’s probably on a mission too I can’t help you any more than that I don’t know what he’s looking for Just another mask I don’t need a make-up routine Add a few variables Curate according to goal Is this a bare-faced mission? As in, will an innocent face help here If no, go all in on the eyeliner Wait, I’m late for work I can’t show up with no eyeliner Not in general, just this day Why? The mission requires it

On the outside A woman going to work On the inside I’m literally Batman

Almost got kidnapped, mother. Who thought it was a good idea to have me walk around wearing gold? Also, I don’t think I lost it, I just started playing. Being a kid, jewelry has no place in that equation. Next.

Zone out. When you’re highly functional with a mask, you sit around your friend group and you zone out. I uploaded a snapchat story, this could go two way. Out with a cousin, friend group investigates, were you kidnapped? Out with a friend group, family investigates, why did you post this? Who’s holding a gun to your head? Guys, chill, it’s a snapchat story. Next.

My bad. I did that on purpose. Guys, I only post when I’m with you, therefore I’m only out when I’m with you. I didn’t have to say it, my behavior did. That way I can have a second personality with a whole other life without them knowing. Only that one doesn’t post. Social engineering using Snapchat. Next.

Here’s an app. What’s this? You share your life with your network. Interesting. What happens if I do this? Crowd control. It’s just Snapchat. The missing ingredient is my brain. Next.

If there are not enough attractive people around you, take a look at yourself. If you’re the only one who stands out, find a bigger pool. Now we’re talking. Next.

How to choose trip destinations. Unimportant, locate rich family members, go where they go. Now that’s luxury. Paid for a ticket, got a five star holiday including VIP service. Next.

New principal. Let’s do a presentation. Is he for real? Talked about himself for an hour. Enough is enough. The other one did that already the other day. I don’t care where you’re from, I don’t care about your alleged superpowers. Are they done? Good. Finally. Oh no. Next day. There’s a quiz. Guys, my liege, where am I from? My town? Crickets. Not one hand raised. Hilarious. Next.

Spent a considerable amount of my childhood looking up kittens and cat photos. Why? No idea. Research. Why are they like that? I would like to have one. Should I ask? No, I can just acquire one, from outside. Easy. Next.

Sometimes the cats choose me. I don’t always kidnap them. They just wander into my house. Excuse me, sir, an open door doesn’t mean you’re welcome. But I’m not kicking you out either. Go find some food, I won’t feed you, I’ll teach you how to fish. So basically, you go to the kitchen and they give you some. Next.

There’s a wedding. Great. Another one. They keep getting married. Should I go? Well, am I expected? Then fine. Where do I sit? That table. No, absolutely not. I will drag a chair and sit behind my mom. Childish. Well, people keep looking. We hide behind the government. Next.

VIP seating. What am I doing here? Best friends and coworkers, sure. Who’s that to my left? No idea. Why is she forcing me to eat? Also no idea. People sometimes do that, to me. I’m not complaining, thank you mysterious lady. Next.

I know them. Those are my teachers. They’re scared of me. I don’t know why. They must think I haven’t forgotten. True, I haven’t. VENGEANCE. Just kidding, which one’s your kid? Oh, go straight and then left. Next.

The ones who were nice aren’t scared. They ask me why my mom abandoned the local morning marathon walk. I don’t know. I didn’t know you guys were doing that. Also, is that your last-born? You’re still active, I thought life finished after retirement. Inspirational. Next.

Grandmother. What a sweet lady. WRONG. Mom says she was a dictator in her prime. I cannot see it, but knowing me, checks out. Next.

Things aren’t that simple Not black or white Get a filler That’s what everyone is doing Okay, but I have to run the numbers No, not the cost What does it buy me? More influence? Attention? Not all attention is good attention That’s a semi-permanent solution for a temporary problem, if someone needs convincing Put on lipstick Easy Next

Shit I forgot to study And also pay attention in class for a whole semester Easy Turn the house into a theater Except the movie is youtube And someone is explaining calculus in full volume If your parents ask Tell them it’s movie night Much simpler to explain Easy Next

Summer No schedule High energy Out for breakfast There’s no logical reason for why I found myself there, probably more food options Score, a car just parked besides me Oh shit What’s my father doing here? Hello, yes, oh, brother too They’re probably on a mission Me? Breakfast, morning, bored Good luck with whatever you got going on I’m eating and going back home Next

So annoying I was terrorizing the local breakfast spots It’s late, chop chop, breakfast Tea Perfect Why am I the only one here? Oh, summer Unimportant Hungry Next

Successful make-up for me is this Clean, base, finishing spray powder I have no idea what any of that means I mean I have some idea Too laze to do the research Does it make me look better? Yes Could it use some improvement? Yes, a lot of improvement A LOT Why not just learn? No idea I know just enough for my needs If I acquire more reasons to learn it Then I shall learn it For now, you guys will have to deal with my eyeliner and mascara against the world What happened to foundation and stuff? No idea, I have skin, good enough Dark under-eyes? No, those are character features Next

Why so calculated? No idea I have the brain It runs the numbers Imperfection shoos away some A particular demographic They have split second judgment That’s all I need to ward off the unwanted type of attention The ones who stay and look after the split second Well, those ones get to keep looking Next Family drives Let’s hop in What’s that? A land Mom tells me to take pictures Why? No idea Let them build Why do I have to archive the process? A normal family goes to a coffee shop Not an option Yes, nice project What’s it gotta do with me? More profit for all More outflow Reaches me Calculated No need for pictures That is a magnificent project Keep going Next

They won’t take me to a coffee shop They might take me to a coffee shop pre-building Yes, no, coffee is a bad idea That’s not going to give us revenue We do pass by drive-thrus before driving around town like we own it Because technically For me at least We do own it Next

It’s not nepotism for nepotism’s sake He knows something therefore let’s exploit Nope, he knows something therefore let’s learn Take the fishing not the fish Next

All of that is ours Great Can I drive by it independently? No? You’ll lock me up if I do? Then what’s it gotta do with me? Next

Your uncle’s coming Why? You’re going somewhere Do I want to come? Let me check my learning quota for the day Sure, I can use some more lessons I mean, sure, I’ll come Drive, coffee, family What else would I need? Now I know enough to build an empire Next

I think they learned the hard way not to self-insert me into their projects. Supposedly that’s a job. I misunderstood the assignment. I messed up so bad I had to leave town. They’re still talking about it. Next.

How to force your kids to read By a former kid No one even did this to me I improvised Take away their devices Okay, that happened Now what Oh, books I’m now a dystopian fiction expert What do I do with that expertise? Make it everyone else’s problem Sounds fair Next

Beauty What’s that? Some poor people thing? Oh, I see, they’re onto something I’ll go do some research There, optimized for maximum benefit One flaw: Men think it’s for them Ridiculous Next

If you can’t read and you have money Easy Hire a reader Then what? I haven’t thought that far Why would you trust them to explain it for you? That’s why I do my own reading Next

Coffee Workplace beverage I say no Carry all the herbal tea we have at home Dump it in the office’s inventory Try to relax with some Chamomile It’s too early for this? Well, I have to balance Does it work? Absolutely not It’s flavored hot water I feel sleepy but that may as well be placebo

No more jeans What happened to size 0? No idea When did this happen? Also no idea Is that why everyone said jeans were uncomfy? I thought you guys were exaggerating

Maintain weight Diet No Jeans are wrong No more questions Next

The bags got bigger The bag number multiplied I still had nothing to wear I found the guilty party Books I was transporting books instead of clothes Next

When I see a problem First instinct is not polishing the surface Bandage it No Inspect the inner working of it The Infrastructure Where did it fail? In time At some point in time it started failing Now start from there and build back up If the base is wrong Then what am I doing here? Fix it

Again I’m a woman I’m sensitive Stop talking shit Don’t let me wake the General It’s Sunday

Why would Sherlock fake his own death? Why not just get Social Media? That’s how I do it Next

I lost them My T-shirts What do they look like? Plain Untagged Black And impossible to miss And yet

I worked really hard on that image guys Everyone took one look and said NOPE We do not know what to do with that So, we’re not doing that anymore

Carefully crafted Does the town need me? No, then we check on extended family I wasn’t just choosing locations randomly

Spontaneous outings No You have to warn me three days in advance Once I find shelter you can’t just kick me out I didn’t run the calculator yet

What’s he doing? Oh, helping Why? No idea Just play along Play along

Pretty? No. It’s filter and makeup Ugly? No. I haven’t done the filter and makeup yet

The plague My grandmother needs a doctor Hospitals are off limits Video call the doctor Of course Where’s IT? Oh, that’s me She’s polishing up, doc, one sec She’s not going out looking like she’s sick Come on, now she has standards Can the doctor see me? Yes Okay, answer, I’m ready

Cousin Where’d you find this one? Hospital That easy? No genetic relation Evil Mastermind What’d you do in training camp? Made money How? Oh, you have that kind of brain

Aunt’s logic If you want a child Just find one That easy? Checks out

Sometimes the child finds you Mom, why’s there a baby in the living room? Mine now No further questions

Deny deny deny Did you raise them? Nope Babysat If anything happens Contact their mothers

All the benefits of parenthood and none of the responsibilities? Give me that. Next.

The children know me through my sister. Their mothers know me through work. Their mothers taught me. My mother taught them. What on earth is going on? No idea. But the kids end up within my field of care. Next.

Who’s that one? Sister in law. Great. More responsibility. Why does this keep happening? I can’t be the trusted adult. I get overstimulated, then I ask for explanations, then I understand their reasoning, then I laugh. It keeps happening because their crimes are objectively funny. Next.

The ministry is here. Why? Oh, exams and stuff. I have everything. I don’t have the authority required to deal with this so figure it out. That’s how I end up not getting credit. I practically hand it out. Will taking credit require me to be responsible for everyone else? No. Give it to that one. He has a loud voice and nothing else. But also, I’ll mess with him by sitting with them all alone for a fixed period of time without actually doing anything suspicious. You need the wifi? I can help with the wifi. I can see him stressing from here. Hilarious. Next.

How polite am I? Extremely Unnecessarily so Thank you Thank you for saying thank you You’re welcome Thank you for saying that Ma’am, take the package and release us I don’t even realize I’m doing it Next

I could have saved so much time Take the package No recognition whatsoever No asking them if they need water But no, everything has to be an Event

Glasses I needed them to see And to have some kind of reputation Of course she would be wearing glasses That’s a classic Clark Kent case They don’t know I’m the same person It works From experience It does work

Is this you? Well, where are the glasses? ….. Exactly

Hair color Also works Clothes color Works Shoe style Works You’re another character every time I see you So, about that I was deceiving the public Why? No idea, bored Checks out

How to spot an honest salesman He sucks Honestly Does everything wrong Which is why I go with them An honest businessman is better than a lying one Always

My head hurts Must be overheating Or the fact that I barely slept You’d think that would slow it down No, sleep deprivation? Allocate extra brainpower To compensate For what? Sleep How? Yes Show up Do everything wrong Yes, the bad salesman method Fail Now they’re reconsidering I’m already selling somewhere else I don’t plan on closing the deal That would be boring Next

Do that enough times Now you’re the sales network You’re welcome Solved it for you Now GET TO WORK Next Man, I would make some money if I tolerated people. Fortunately, for everyone’s pockets and safety, I don’t feel like doing that. Next.

I don’t need to be in the network. I interacted with one node. Enough for me to draw the map. Also, that node closed the deal. Next.

Work work work. That’s for men. All I care about is money money money. Someone go solve that and bring me the money. Next.

Next industry How did I end up here? No idea But also Checks out Next

Next field What do I want know? I tried to ask directly No one takes me seriously I have to connect the dots myself Good thing that’s my specialty

Could have just answered my questions Dumb woman What do you know about this? ENOUGH I know enough Next

Why make the money? For the women. I gave y’all the map. Buy some gold for your moms, sisters and wives. Next.

Contact lenses How did I forget? That unlocks other ethnicities entirely Next

Of course The economy I did that to save the economy Definitely not to acquire more gold Sun shaped specifically Next

I know stuff Explain They are known How? They told me

I am the network The knowledge network Just like the Internet Except for people How did I do that while also being anti-social? Beats me. Next.

Give a pearl diver the internet. They are now the internet. Next.

I know everyone. I’m nice to everyone. I look away for two seconds and they’re fighting. Somehow I am the mediator. Now I know what actually happened. Next.

My ancestors would probably not be playing Justin Bieber on that ship. Anyway, I can. Next.

They did this back then. It was the ocean. Same principle. Pearls are info. What’s so hard to understand? Next.

I hope no one thought I was literally diving. No, I can’t even swim. Yes, I see the irony. Next.

What happens when the military overrides the government? No idea. Why would anyone do that? It’s stupid. Work together now. There. Perfect. Next.

Movie choosing policy. Wander around life. Hear about it somewhere. Wonder what it’s about. If you’re curious enough, there you go. Next.

My life is like if Project Hail Mary was boring. And also, no space or a rock friend. Is a cat sufficient? Next.

The Martian? Yes, Matt Damon. I could work with that. Except, no one died. I abandoned the ship and locked up myself in another one. Next.

The Odyssey. Another Matt Damon classic. Except, no war, no wife, no son, no life. That’s about it. Next.

Good Will Hunting. Yes, that movie angered me. I was like, nope, this movie is disrespectful. To whom? Intelligent people, science, mathematics and Robin Williams. Matt Damon was a vibe tho. Next.

Jason Bourne. I had the book. What did I learn? If all goes wrong get plastic surgery and a new name. Forgot everything else. Next.

I take fiction so seriously. Which is why I consume it responsibly. Don’t introduce me to questionable characters and complex anti-heroes. I’ve learned enough. Next.

Don’t study something Watch a movie about it Forget what you were doing Now you understand it Next

Don’t make it obvious. When you’re doing something revolutionary package it in the silliest form you could ever find. Why? Tricking people into learning. Next.

Harsh Teaches better Harshness is the best teacher That’s why I drop what hurts and move on into the next thing Did I just say something really harsh? Probably I also forgot about it Next

Don’t blame me When I reached the stage where I operated the whole institution from my laptop The others were like How do we speak to the principal He yells He’s harsh He drops papers on our desks disrespectfully Wait, let me try that one on him Yep, checked out, didn’t like it How do I begin explaining that? Next

They don’t like you Stop being visible Wrong Unrelated In fact I hope they hate this Next

CEO My uncle The girls Solve She monetizes the big boss No one else is allowed to address him Lady What did that accomplish? I have access Always did Next

Scared the shit out of her Not the other way around Do you have a compliment for me? Yes? Let me hear it Irrelevant Why are you giving me orders? Once She did that once Enough for me to hit the big red button Next

This Who’s responsible for this Mariam Oh Get me the principal instead I’ll yell at him Not the delicate butterfly Next

That’s how I made their life a living hell No one speak to me Go to the principal He can’t speak to me Appoints someone between us Asks me if I want it Absolutely NOT Give it to that guy He can’t speak to me Where was I going with this? No idea Next

I forgot to ask if I was allowed to talk about this As usual No Doesn’t change anything I’m still going to Next

I don’t work there anymore Haven’t for some time Fair game Next

Technically I’m not even from there The papers say so Next

Pretty Woman Sounds like solid soundtrack for my life Is it accurate? Unimportant Unrelated That’s me now Next

Yes I have a whole playlist called Boost I listen to it and say That is me Until it becomes true Next

I could have just listened to music passively I KNOW Unfortunately Science is everywhere And I’m willing to try anything Next

Do I do anything passively? No idea Probably not Even if I do I automated my responses for my chosen outcome anyway Next

Insane I am a machine I am a programmer What did you think would happen? Next

We’re all programmed Upbringing We can’t undo it How to override it? Easy Change the programming language Next

This song sucks No it’s good It’s just Interfering with my programming …… Next

More explanation? Okay Me = The Best Introduce You You = You + Negative Belief(Me) System crashed Get out Next

Don’t look at me At this point even I can’t argue with the programming That’s why I ghosted them all Next

If I keep writing at this rate I might confess to something I didn’t even do just because it sounds right

Came to my attention Me knowing stuff I shouldn’t be knowing was a huge problem I know that Oh, so you talked to THEM? Wait, who, what and where? Slow down Next

I don’t even be discussing them I just find the worst possible person In relation to how much they know about them We’re besties now (Nothing actually happened) The ambiguity is the point She knows something I know she knows something Pretend we’re discussing it We’re talking about something else entirely The party on question is then terrified for no reason Next

That’s kinda evil Better than actually discussing another person Still evil But slightly better Next

I don’t do that to just anyone Only if they wronged me first Fair game I could have been talking shit and spreading gossip Instead I’m pretending that I am without actually doing it Why? No idea Next

Gossip is wrong Therefore Pretend gossip Pretend gossip is fine Next

Stop judging me, am I supposed to do nothing? No way I will go the length to do everything Without actually accomplishing anything Why? Makes me feel better Then I can stop dwelling Revenge? Check Move on Next

This is what happens when you read Robert Greene and Machiavelli, what am I supposed to do with all of that? I’m literally not in the middle of a war to be deploying this much strategic moves. Next.

No one said Social Media Professor was a valid career move. I guess it is now. Next.

Nepotism doesn’t cancel competence. In fact, it increases the audacity required to be even more competent. Next.

Wait, why did a plot suddenly appear on my timeline? Anyway, weird. Let it unfold. Next.

Something happens Person A tweets about it Person B tweets about it Tweets are on top of each other Therefore What am I supposed to do with this knowledge?

Logging off Absurdity is contaminating this app too Next

If it’s a coincidence Totally unrelated Possibly Why did it show up right there? If I’m the observer Then it’s probably true Or not Could be a coincidence Next

Things like that happen Not really But when I’m there They start happening more Not the first time Next

Here’s a hypothetical situation Someone tweets something inspired by you Another person reposts it Both relate to it in regards to you It’s about you Vague tweet Someone from a hundred miles away says: YEP And they’re thinking about you Hypothetically Next

Not hypothetical That actually happened I was involved So of course it did

If the world doesn’t revolve around me Someone explain why reality acts like it does

I am the center A B No relation I’m the relation They don’t know about each other Explain

My bad, guys Too far into the rabbit hole Forgot I’m a real person who affects others Again Next

Life is absurd I feel invisible I affect others When I catch that I blame it on reality You were right there, woman You did this Next

I’m an idiot In conclusion Went into full fictional analysis mode Forgetting that I’m a character too Wait, why are my characters meeting for the first time? They’re not your characters They’re people Let it go Next

This is a recurring issue for me I’m serious Every once in a while Oh People can see me Right Next

It would be a shame if someone were to connect those dots Wait, why am I one of the dots?

Oh I told everyone to connect the dots I basically yelled at them Why am I surprised? Next

My aunt: your uncle is doing everything wrong My uncle: doing everything right Me: applying lipstick Next

How to avoid getting credit Carry out the entire operation Feel like you did nothing Hide the credit department from yourself

I did NOTHING Humble? All of that behind me Feels like nothing Because it was effortless

I misunderstood Not center of the universe does not mean nothing ever at all is related to me Right Next

Reality is gaslighting me now Oh my god not everything is about you Continues acting like it is I’m gonna go sit over there now

Muse Pick one Love it Qualifications? It exists

Why am I the protagonist of an honor killing plot? Fuck if I know. Next.

Never mind It’s because I kept going “What happens if I do this?” You get killed Next

Well Could have been worse Could have been an Acid Attack Leaving the house is postponed until further notice Next

Why would I be affected by criticism I’m barely affected by almost dying

Oh They didn’t have the language installed The one that describes feelings Checks out

What am I doing? Thinking Out loud In public For everyone to see Nothing weird about that

Does anybody want a brain? Used up For almost 30 years RAM? Yes Memory? Questionable Take it For free Please

Oh I was the bad influence there Checks out

Don’t let your daughters work Why? Mariam Say no more

Employment and sisterhood together? Let me see Send my sister to the counselor Hang about awkwardly Everyone is silent OH I was supposed to leave My bad Carry on

I take the chaos with me everywhere I am the chaos Accept me I’m inevitable

Last time someone said no to me It was a Top Breaking Headline The witness testimonies: She was bound to find out eventually After all the messing around

Bound to happen Someone reverses the spell This isn’t how it’s supposed to go Interesting I’m done messing around Introduce the finding out One by one Don’t push

Insider information The demographic is usually competitive Unusually so Imagine a game of Uno with your cousins in 2003 That level of competitiveness Childish

Not my problem They messed up when they accepted me Handing out access like candy

The socializing didn’t hurt as much as pretending to care did. I’m so impressed with all the things you do, let me accompany you. Interesting, why did I agree to this again?

We’re done with cards Someone won or lost I don’t remember anymore The point is game is over We can’t play cards with no cards left

I am the “Why?” If it was a person I enter a room The room asks: why?

I wish I didn’t write all of that Why? So I could read it instead

If you see chaos Assume I passed by

We need your help Nope Why? Taking these things apart Why? Upgrading Okay but why you? Screw driver

A whole lab of faulty PCs Act cool act cool act cool FINALLY I knew I had that screw gun for a reason My time has come All admin tasks are delegated until further notice

No way to prove that I did anything But if I HAD done it I conveniently carry a solid explanation for how it was carried out

Not that innocent I knew to hide my playbooks in the closet As if anyone would look at my book collection and then me and then being like: I knew it None of that happened So dramatic for nothing

Everything Every compliment Criticism Into the machine Study and analyze Generate idol outcome The public loved it I probably shouldn’t have gone that hard for an office job

Funny Weird We’re a lot more alike than I thought Only I never got the chance to demonstrate it

Not passive Not ghosting because I moved on Actively stopping myself from doing it Which is considerably worse

Sometimes I know things aren’t about me But that’s boring Let’s pretend everything is Much more entertaining

No one mention the unimitation game thing That never happened

Also no one mention the signal intereference Don’t trace it back to me

Almost got kidnapped No, not as a child Although that probably happened too Adult me Stalked I see what you’re doing Conveniently showing up where I am Making up elaborate excuses for why you end up there I see it The reaction was supposed to be taking the bait But I had no time for that so I just kept watching What on earth was she doing and why did she want to meet me that bad? No idea

Don’t worry I got rid of her Used the Robert Pattinson Technique Let’s be Best Friends Gone with the wind Still confused

My reputation precedes me I know you know who I am I’ll pretend I don’t to see where this goes Unfortunately, she apparently wanted to Vent

The things I go through I don’t mind venting Why did she go through all of the social engineering trap procedure just to talk?

High tolerance That’s why She had troubling lore with no one to share it with For me, that was Friday Why spend hours sharing your life story with a stranger? No, why did I sit there and listen? No idea

General Me Public Me Publish You Easy The General did it

Regular family quality time topic of the day. Psychosis. What do you remember? Oh, that’s the whole thing, why didn’t you say anything? Psych ward. Say no more. Tell me how YOU went days and days in that state with zero interference until you finally did something remotely violent. She’s catatonic? Don’t help. Oh, almost hurt us. Fine, we’ll so something now. Women. *B